Sistaz and Suitors is dedicated to questions on relationships, courtship and dating. We will be happy to answer all your questions or hear your comments.
Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
I WANT TO KNOW IF IT IS POSSIBLE FOR ONE TO GET MARRIED WITHOUT HAVING PREMARITAL SEX? BY NEXT YEAR I WILL BE 30 AND I AM STILL A VIRGIN, I INTEND TO REMAIN A VIRGIN TILL I GET MARRIED BUT I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO FIND A GUY WHO WANT TO HAVE A PURE RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT SEX . THIS HAS KEPT ME IN A CLOSE DOOR. IS THERE TRULY A MAN OUT THERE WHO WOULD WANT TO GET MARRIED TO A VIRGIN?
It is very possible to get married as a virgin, or if you were not a virgin at marriage, it is possible to get married without having premarital sex. That is what the Bible teaches. Your state as a virgin at almost 30 is a testimony, and you should thank God for it. Going to your marriage bed as a virgin is something to be thankful for. Virginity is not a stigma; it is not something to be ashamed of. Contrary to what the world would want you to think and believe, virginity – for men and women, is a thing to be proud of. Hold your head up sister, you're on the right course! Please, remain a virgin till you get married.
The fact that a man and a lady have agreed to get married does not give them the right to indulge in sexual activities. Sex is for marriage and for marriage alone. It is not for those who are intending to get married to each other. Those who intend to get married have sex as something to look forward to; but they are not married till they are married. That being the case sex is strictly and totally out of bounds.
A good number of men and ladies who are in relationships to be married indulge in premarital sex. They find out that their bodies are attracted to each other and they give expression to it. It is understandable [though not acceptable] why unbelievers will sleep with each other because they are sinners. In real terms, we should not expect so much for unbelievers, except for those who have a tight moral leash on them. However, morality without Christ is a form of godliness at its best, but void of power against sin. Only Christ can do that. Hence one should not be surprised that those brought up with strict moral values throw away all their morality to the gutter. However, it is totally unacceptable for Christians who have agreed to get married to each other to indulge in sex or even be physically intimate. Any man or lady who wants sex from their would – be partner, is not operating in the God kind of love; they are operating in selfishness and show a disregard for the sanctity of the marriage bed and the institution of marriage as a whole.
It may be difficult to find a man or lady who will not ask for sex, but it is not impossible. Certainly, there are many men and ladies who have not bowed their knee to premarital sex [Romans 11:4]. There are Christians who are pure in thought and body. It is this kind of person you should desire, pray and thank God for – that he will locate you, and you will also have the discernment to accept him.
Finally, don't see your refusal to indulge in premarital sex as keeping you in a closed door. Life is about perspective. The way you view things matter a lot. A glass can either be half full of water or half empty – same glass but different perspectives. Rather, see your refusal to indulge in premarital sex as a means of glorifying and honouring God in your body. He told you to do this [1 Corinthians 6:20]. He also promised that those who honour Him, He will honour [1 Samuel 2:30]. When God honours you, He fulfills the desire of your heart.
As you stand by the side of God's eternal truth and refuse to give your holy body to the pigs, God will reward you and bring you a man who will love you and you will love too. Watch out! Your Boaz is on the way.
pls i need urgent answers to this questions as they have been weighing me down.
1. I’m a born again sister and I’m believing God for marriage but all the brothers that come my way are catholic!i keep avoiding them but the pressure is getting too much. is it right for me to accept a catholic guy’s proposal?
2. my mother keeps insisting I marry from my tribe(Ijaw) which i do not mind because I’m not too keen about the tribe thing, but i keep coming across Igbo guys, is God trying to tell me something or am i reading too much into the situation?
Hello Susan,
Your question here will require a very detailed response and so I would suggest that you see one of the Assistant Pastors promptly if you are a member of TCC. If not, we would gladly send a detailed reply to your email box.
Kindly confirm which option would suit you best. Thank you.
when do you notify church of your relationship. especially when you’ve just started dating?
Hello Ghomi,
The answer to your question can be found in the Church Handbook. The handbook can be viewed by simply clicking this link: TCC Handbook.
TCC, i like your blog and the answers you gave to the so many questions raised. keep up the good work.
Thank you Oshuntayo. Our goal is to be relevant & practical and we trust that by God’s grace we will continue to be just that.
Pastor pls I want to know how I can be convinced if a lady really loves me and if she will be ready to settle down with me considering the fact that I am a christian and intimacy is not allowed and secondly the bible made it clear that the heart is wicked. I need answer urgently. What is the characteristic of a wife material?
You can be convinced that a lady loves you by her word and actions. As it is, it is the man who makes moves towards a lady, for it is a man who finds a wife [Proverbs 18:22]. That requires that a man has knowledge of what he is “looking for.” When a man motions towards a lady, it may take time for her to respond to his overtures. This is why a man needs to woo a lady. In the process of speaking to a lady, a man will know if the lady is interested because her words and actions will reveal her interest or otherwise. The man is the aggressor and should gently pursue a lady, if the lady is interested she will gradually begin to respond to the man, and it will be apparent by her words and her actions. As the genuine love between them intensifies, so also will the responses. You have her words mainly to go by and then her actions will show what her words say. She is also likely to reflect or reject what she sees. So the man should aim to show genuine and sincere love by his words and actions.
Now, to the issue of intimacy. Intimacy – sexual intimacy is not allowed by God between Christians because the Bible teaches that sex is for marriage [Hebrews 13:4]. The proof of genuine love is not sex. In fact, sex outside of marriage is not love. A person cannot be functioning in the God kind of love with his fiancée / her fiancé and have sex with them. That would not be an act of genuine love, because genuine love – the God kind of life is patient, and it is not self seeking [1 Corinthians 13:4-5]. With this understanding, a courting couple should not put pressure one another for sex. Pressure by one person on another is enough reason to call off a relationship.
Proverbs 31:10-31 is probably the most detail picture of the wife material you are asking about. However, keep in mind that there is no woman who starts out like this – just like there is no man who experientially typifies the “Husband” picture of Christ as shown in Ephesians 5. The picture for both the man and the woman is the finished product. God doesn't start out with finished product; He starts out with the raw material. The implication of that is that you must be like God and look for potential and not for perfection. As you are looking for potential, you have God's attention, He'll lead you aright. Since the same is applicable to you, then when you come to terms with the fact that you are not “perfect”, you'll be delivered from unrealistic desires you are looking for in a lady.
I believe every good thing comes from God and we need to walk in His Act and statute to be properly guided within His spirit that dwell in us. Is there any scriptural backing to start up a relationship with a girl? Also, what are the scriptural backing when you are attracted to a girl you have not known before and you intend getting close to her? What are the scriptural backing of choosing a wife?
It appears that your question has 3 parts to it as follows:
For a Christian starting a relationship with a lady must be with marriage in view, therefore those guidelines on how to start a relationship with a lady will inform your choice of a wife. Thus, we'll treat 1 and 3 together because they are interrelated.
Starting a relationship with a lady must have marriage in focus. Here are a few guidelines.
Firstly, you must approach a sister – a lady who is a believer. This is the only clear – cut Scriptural instruction for choosing a spouse. A Christian brother has no business approaching a lady who is an unbeliever for marriage. A Christian sister has no business considering a proposal from a man who is an unbeliever, not to mention accepting the proposal.
The Bible puts it this way:
2 Corinthians 6:14-16 [KJV]
Simply put: a believer must not marry an unbeliever. One mistake many Christians make in this connection is that they marry unbelievers thinking that they will convert them. Such actions are tantamount to spiritual folly and pride because when a person does that, they are saying that they are wiser than God who has made the matter clear. They also arrogate to themselves spiritual ability that God has not placed within their hands.
It is also interesting that the Bible does not make state that you must marry someone from your tribe. There is one Family and nation a spouse should be taken from and that is the Family of Faith [Galatians 6:10], and the people of God [1 Peter 2:9]. An individual may tilt towards one or more tribes than others, but that should not be their primary consideration.
Secondly, you must be of age because marriage is for men not for boys. It is a man who leaves father and mother in order to cleave to his wife [Genesis 2:24]. Though maturity is not primarily a function of age, age has a bearing on maturity. By the same token, the lady must be of age, that is she must not a girl or minor. She should be from 20 years and above. Whether the lady can be older than the man are matters of personal convictions and individual decisions.
Thirdly, you must have a job that brings in a steady income in order to take care of the woman. Adam had a job before God gave him a wife [Genesis 2:15-19]. This is the case because it is the responsibility of the man to take care of his wife and family.
Other areas of compatibility border on matters dealing with things like education and spiritual maturity must not be overlooked and a couple needs to be frank with themselves on these matters before they get married. However, they are personal decisions and should be treated on an individual basis.
Finally, keep your Church involved. That is to say you should adhere to the policies of your local assembly where relationships are concerned. It is necessary for you to know how relationships are commenced and conducted in your Church and be in step with your Church all the way. This is taking for granted that you belong to a Bible – Believing Church that has guidelines for relationships that are sound scripturally and morally.
With respect to the other part of your question dealing with how to go about a relationship with a lady you are attracted and have not known before but you intend getting close to her, know this: there are no hard and fast rules. At times in commencing a relationship with a lady, a man may choose someone he has known before. At other times, it is not so. He may get to know someone and in the process decide that she is the one he wants. What must always be borne in mind is that there is always a first time to meet someone.
Also, know that attraction is not love. In some cases it is infatuation. The fact that a man is attracted to a lady does not mean that he loves us, neither is it reason enough to use that as the only basis for choosing to marry her. The other things pointed out earlier on must be taken into account. Needless to say, a man must be attracted to the lady he chooses to marry and vice – versa, but the choice of who to marry is not all about attraction.
We would suggest that if you are interested in or attracted to a lady, interact with her normally then get to know what you can know about her, without making any commitments. When you have thought it through, prayed about it, and you wish to go ahead and commit to her, then you may approach her and propose to her. if she accepts your proposal then you can commence a relationship that will bring you close and closer with each passing day. [You must not neglect to keep your Church involved. In TCC, a brother is expected to see the pastors before he approaches a lady, and a lady is expected to see the pastors before she accepts a proposal from a brother].
Making a commitment to marry a person is done by faith and not by sight. This is not to say once a proposal is accepted and a formal relationship has started, the relationship may not be called off. A relationship may be called off, but the parties don't go into the relationship hoping to call it off once there is a problem. Christians must always conduct relationships God's way and avoid being sucked into the world's vicious swirl of relationships/dating which is based on sight and sampling. In the world, a man and lady “go out,” “go steady,” and “date” and most of the time marriage is not even in view at all.
It is hoped that these thoughts will help you.
I wanna ask if there’s something i’m doing wrong.i get more advances from married men than from single brothers and its so annoying.most single guys that can come around just want to jump into bed. i’ve been a believer for a while and always believed in God’s principle on courtship, but with all this i’m getting scared.i need advice.
You may be doing something wrong; you may not be doing something wrong. There are times a lady attracts the attention of both married and single men because she is loose. But it is not always the case. Some men are just lecherous and they'll go after any female. There are cases when the lady is doing nothing wrong; it's the men who are being used as a means of temptation. A good example would be Potiphar's wife who made advances at Joseph [Genesis 39]. She made the advances to Joseph, who refused and ultimately had to flee. So don't apportion blame to yourself especially if you are not passing the wrong messages which result in advances from men. Even if you don't go looking after temptation, temptations may come looking after you. This might very well be the case here.
As you stand in faith and refuse to yield to temptation, the man who will love you and share the same principles of God's Word upon which your own resolve is founded will find his way to you and you'll recognize him. Up until then, stand steadfast on your desire to get married to a believer and one that respects God's principles. That resolve is faith. And faith and fear don't function at the same time. Actually, there is no reason for fear, and so don't entertain it. When a person becomes afraid, they may very well end up doing things they said they would never do. Affirm to your heart, “There is no fear here!”
Thank u so much for answering my question. i receive favour to comply to what you have said. God bless you all and enrich you with more wisdom and inspiration. thank u so much!!!!!
dear panel, I am in a relationship with a girl and we both agreed for marriage but she said I should not go to see her family that all she knows is that I should go and see her pastor. In this case what should I do?
You really need to find out what she means. If what she means is that you need to see her pastor first, then that may make some sense especially if in her local assembly, the pastor is involved at the stage when relationships commence. If in her local assembly, no such policy exists, it is still strongly advised to still see her pastor for a number of reasons. The pastor stands in the place of spiritual oversight where she is concerned and needs to be aware. In that respect, he is like a responsible father who wants to know who he is giving his daughter out in marriage to. In addition, it gives the relationship the opportunity to receive pastoral input and necessary and needed counsel. It also gives the relationship the necessary formality from the Church point so that it can be guided in line with the Church's policies concerning weddings and marriages.
However, if what she means is that she wants you to get married to her without any recourse to her family whatsoever, then her position is not proper – except she has absolutely no member of her family alive, which most likely is not the case. It is important that she understands that one main reason why you need to see her family is because you value her as their daughter and you didn't just pick her up on the “road.”
A real pastor will not want their member to get married without family knowledge and parental consent. Thus, members planning to get married will be asked about the position of their families with respect to the proposed marriage. Exceptions may be made if it is obvious that the family is just being overbearing, difficult, or doesn't want to give consent, or support the wedding for no valid reason. In such cases, her local assembly, being her spiritual family [under the leadership of her pastor] may step in to give her the support and a strong sense of family that she so much needs.
In this particular instance probably the relationship between she and her family is anything but cordial, or, it may be almost as good as nonexistent. That may also account for why she doesn't want you to see her family – there may be no family to see. But there is definitely a reason behind her not wanting you to see her family. Prod softly and probe gently till you touch on the relevant issue. Hopefully, the foregoing thoughts will help you in deal with it successfully.
please i had previously sent in a question..i am so concerned about walking with God. God specifically gave me a scripture as regards my husband. please i dont want my full name published. how do i know how to align my self with specific direction?