Sistaz and Suitors is dedicated to questions on relationships, courtship and dating. We will be happy to answer all your questions or hear your comments.
Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
Dear Panel
Someone new just came in to my life but i have fears at the back of my mind. saw blue movies and slight traces of violence like raisin his voice for no obvious reason. he claims to have been born again and grew up in a good Christian home but anytime we spend time together, i feel alone..i dont know what to do..am not a member of ur church..this forum was suggested to me by a good friend and colleague
Your friend and colleague definitely has your good interests at heart by informing you this forum. We thank God for His giving us this opportunity to help you.
If this man you say has come into your life has blue movies in his possession, then it is right to say he is into pornography. Also, if he raises his voice [at you] for no obvious reason, then he is most likely given to violence. You don't want a husband hooked on pornography anymore than you want a man with a turbulent temper and given to violence owing to outburst of wrath.
It is good that you certify that he is born again. However, being born again does not mean he will automatically have victory in these areas, if he fails to renew his mind with the Word of God. Basically, victory in any area of the Christian life begins, is received and is maintained as the mind is renewed to the Word of God. This leads to the real issue for consideration here. What this man needs to do is to renew his mind with the Word and take practical steps to overcome these challenges. In matters of this nature the person facing the challenges ought to seek counselling.
So, point out to him your observations and concerns over these issues. Listen to him and be sincere as you watch out for two things. Firstly, an admission of truth, that is he owns up that he has challenges in those areas of his life. Any covering up should not satisfy you. The other thing you need to watch out for are sincere efforts which include seeking counselling most likely from his pastor in order to overcome those challenges. In the absence of these two things, you are advised to let him go and forget the relationship.
You should never marry someone hoping that he will change. Helping with the process of change by raising up these areas of challenges in itself is a big step. The responsibility of change lies on the person who needs to change. Other people can give a helping hand at best. If change is not forthcoming from him and you chose to go ahead then it will be purely denial on your part, comparable to an ostrich burying its head in the sand in denial of the inevitable. Also if the change is not sincere, let him go.
As concerns direction and the will of God, please read the first half of our response to Dumkelechukwu below it will help you see some of the different factors that could affect your picture of the will of God for your life in the area of marriage.
We trust that we have helped you and God has given you an answer of peace.
Dear Panel,
i have a problem. i am not a graduate yet but i am intending to be one. everyman that comes my way with intention of marriage insist that i must be a graduate before making any plans. up to six serious guys have come and gone. please what do i do?
You say that you are not a graduate but one day you intend to be one. This could mean you are currently an undergraduate, you are seeking admission at the moment, or you are yet to seek admission. It is clear that every man who has come around you with marriage in view has it as their requirement that their spouse must be a graduate. That desire is not wrong; neither is it unfounded. They must have their reasons why they want it that way. For instance, they may want their wife to be on the same intellectual and educational wavelength as them so as to be able to hold an intelligent discussion with them and they know that a degree will go a long way to enhance just that. Or, it could be born out of a desire to be bold and confident of their wife before other people. Yet still, they may not want their spouse to express feelings of inferiority complex and insecurities before them or others as a result of not having a degree. These are real issues couples grapple with in marital relationships.
Since you have said you desire to be a graduate, please pursue it no matter where you are now. But don't get a degree just because you want to get married. You should get a degree for the right reasons, and the reasons for having a degree definitely go beyond your desire to get married. It is always in good taste to do the right things with the right motivation.
You must not consider the fact that you are not yet a graduate as a disadvantage; neither should you disqualify yourself from a good husband due to the fact that you are not yet a graduate. The good news for you is that not every man wants to have a graduate as a wife; neither does every man insist that his wife be a graduate at the time of marriage. There are men who are interested in marrying the woman of their dreams for who she is positionally and with faith in who she will become experientially. After all, the element of faith in any godly marriage cannot be removed. That takes care of your situation. If you are not yet an undergraduate then there is someone who can be interested in you in that state. If you already are an undergraduate, there will also be someone who will love you in that state and be willing to marry. There is someone who will love you and who you will love and be compatible with among such men. That is the man that you should expect.
Know today that the anointing of God in the form of His favour rests upon you this hour. The man who will get married to you obtains favour from the Lord [Proverbs 18:22]. For a man to obtain favour from the Lord in order to marry you should tell you that you have something that it takes a man receiving the favour of God to bring you into his life. In other words, he is blessed to be married to you! Never lose sight of that.
I WANT TO THANK THE PANEL FOR THEIR EFFORT IN PROVIDING INTERESTING ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS, I PRAY GOD TO GIVE YOU MORE WISDOM TO ENABLE YOU CARRYOUT THIS WORK.
Hi,
I am in courtship with a brother that really doesnt have anything at the moment, and by that i mean he is just starting out and bearly having a enough for savings. however, he is a faithful sower and tither, and loves God whole heartedly and sometimes i wonder why things havent picked up as they ought to. Could it be that there is something he isnt doing, that’s why his breakthrough hasnt come? I’m i in the wrong staying in this relationship believing things would work out because most times i get thought bombs that ‘he may not amount to anything and i should just leave him’, but i know what i have heard God say concerning the relationship. or could God be speaking twice?
thank you
Hello Dumkelechukwu,
In response to the issue(s) you wrote about we would like for you to know that God, our Father, is not a schizophrenic who says a thing and does another. When He speaks about a subject more than once He only emphasizes what He has already said; He doesn't contradict himself. You should learn to reject thought bombs that come to you which are contrary to your expectation which is in line with God's Word. And the way to reject such thought bombs is by speaking out loud what your benefits and expectations are in Him.
The thing however about following God's leading, is that the individual has to be sure that he or she heard from God in the first place. Sometimes, it was never God and then when we see/hear better it may look like God was yo-yo-ing and changing His mind when the problem was with our receiver not with His transmission.
Yet another dimension to this is when God gives you a leading that involves someone else in your life, He does not take away the will and choices of that person. If that person, chooses not to yield to God and line up with that will, God may not keep you bound in that path but may redirect your steps somewhere better where you can truly experience His best for you.
What you wrote about your fiancé's financial principles, are Scripturally true i.e. if he is someone who loves the Lord, a tither and a faithful sower then it should be settled that he will surely be rewarded and increase shall be his experience because God's Word guarantees it. No one should despise his days of little beginnings because though his beginning may be small, yet his latter end shall greatly increase. That's God's promise.
Again, his will and commitment and consistency matter the most. If he has continued without any apparent increase for years then he needs to evaluate certain factors like the state of his heart e.g. is he walking in un-forgiveness, strife etc. or is he sowing grudgingly or into unfertile soil etc. God's Word always works.
Ultimately, Dumkelechukwu, after all we have said, the end of the matter is this – follow your heart and the litmus test for God's will is that it will always give you righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.
Hmmmm!!! thanks a million for your prompt response to my question. Its like a mighty rock has been lifted up off my shoulders. God bless you richly. Deliverance tastes really good you know!
Wow! TCC is blessed. I praise God for my Pastors – YOU ROCK!!!! I’m mighty glad to be a part of this great revolution. Sistaz and Suitors has been everything I ever wished for in a singles meeting. I’ve been taught to Paint a picture while waiting instead of been anxious; learnt that with God all things are possible through the movie – Facing the giants. I feel good about myself where I should have been worried that my younger sister is married and I’m not (smiles). God bless you Pastor Cee and Pastor Kech as well as Pastors Chris, Sola and Uche. YOU ARE TOO MUCH!!!
how does one balance job haunting and church activities i really want to be active in church activities but trying to earn a living without a job is taking a lot out of me. thanks
It is God's desire that you find a job through which you will release your God-given potential and make money. It is equally His desire for you to belong to a local assembly (a Bible believing Church) and be a committed member there: attending Church services and being active in some department. In your bid to be active in Church while hunting for a job you need to have a balance. Don't use all your time desperately looking for a job to the point that you wear yourself out and you have no time for Church activities. He that believes will not make haste. Apart from Sundays, which incidentally is not a working day, most Church activities take place in the evenings at which time most places of work would have closed. This keeps the evening open for you to take part in the activities. On the other hand don't go the other extreme and use Church activities as an excuse to be lazy and not go job hunting and set your hand to something “small” while you hunt. Faith without works is dead. Strike a balance between both extremes. If you do this, you will be fine. Remember that as you seek first the kingdom of God, all other things including a good job will be added unto you [Matthew 6:33].
I care about a guy who doesnt know about my feelings and he’s got wat I’ve always desired yet there’s another guy who is coming around wit the intention of marrying me. I dont have any affection for him. please, wat do I do because I’ve been taught from church not to approach a guy.
As it is there are two men in the situation here and we assume you are born again and both men being considered here have the basic Biblical requirement of being born again. One man, you have feelings for and seemingly fits the profile of the kind of man you'd want to marry, but hasn't made a move towards you; and the other one you have no affection for, but has come to you. Sometimes, this is the case in relationships. Most ladies and gentlemen have what they are looking for in a potential spouse. Some of those desires are far-fetched, some of them are not. For some ladies, when a man comes wooing them even though he may not fit the profile they have in their minds, eventually they get to like the men, develop feelings for them and accept their proposal. That is alright. But it is important to stress that a lady and a man should have mutual feelings of affection one for another before walking down the aisle. Don't marry someone you are not excited about. It will be dangerous if mutual feelings are not present. We will take for granted that the guy who has come around you has feelings for you. As it turns, you don't have and have not developed feelings for him. The proper thing to do is that you courteously and politely tell him that you are not interested in his overtures. It is up to him to walk away or keep trying and up to you to insist that you are not interested or consider it.
Now, as for the guy who you have feelings for, you can only hope that he shares the same feelings and reciprocates it back to you. For your own dignity you don't want to tell him anything – either directly or indirectly. The best you can do is that if he comes around, don't play hard to get, like some ladies do. If he doesn't come, big deal! Life goes on, and other good men will come along! At least one will fit the profile of what you are looking for and the feelings will also come, if they are not there immediately. Or God will help you adjust your profile and paint a clearer picture. Remember, you are not destined to marry one man. This truth will liberate you.
The principle of initiation and aggression in the relationship between a man and a woman is saddled upon the man. It is the man who decides to leave father and mother in order to be with a woman [Genesis 2:24]. It is also a man who finds a wife [Proverbs 18:22]. The Bible is replete with examples in this regard. It is an aberration of the divine order for a woman to take the bulls by the horn and go after a man. It is not even lady-like. It is totally tasteless and altogether graceless. This may not sound contemporary, but it is Christian. Many ladies fail to see that even naturally, God has placed a lot of honour upon them. God states that a man should honour His wife [1 Peter 3:7]. That honour begins when a man who has decided to leave father and mother motions towards a lady. It shows that she is wanted and admired. Hopefully, it will continue throughout their relationship.
In addition, a decent man won't like it if a woman initiates a relationship. Some men may take advantage of such advances by a lady towards them because they may interpret it as a sign of desperation on the part of the lady.
How do we manage loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling of being alone. But as a child of God, that feeling is a lying feeling. The Bible says we walk by faith and not by sight [2 Cor 5:7]. That is we do not place reliance upon our feelings and senses when they go contrary to the truth of the Word of God. If you are born again, you are not alone. The Word of God makes this abundantly clear.
God the Father has said He will never leave you nor forsake you [Heb 13:5].
Jesus said He is with you to the end of the world [Matt 28:18].
The Holy Spirit is not only with you, He is also in you [John 14:17]. How can you be lonely? In the light of this great truth you see that there is no need to manage loneliness, loneliness has to be banished!
You are still encouraged to seek counsel from your Pastor; hopefully you are born again and a member of a Bible Believing Church. He may be able to share with you on issues as you throw more light on the circumstances that may have led to your having this feeling. Do this and loneliness will be a thing of the past.
while i was in my teens, my mum told me that there is a curse in my family ie the female marry late and some have babies out of wedlock. My cousins and aunts confirmed this bcos just one had a proper marriage and the rest had babies out of wedlock. My question is this, I am born again and have refused to indulge in pre marital sex but aint still married.Could this CURSE THING be following me. I have listened to the message”HE CHANGED MY ROOT” but still no man in my life. However i must confess that almost every year, i have a suitor but most of them are not born again. The few that are born again believe there is nothing wrong indulging in premarital sex. what do i do. Do u think God wants me to marry a man that isnt born again, so that thru me he can get born again?
Also, i forgot to add that out of the few that are truly born again, just when i start telling myself that i will accept this man when he proposes, He walks away, he stops calling and seeing me. When i call and try seeing him, he tells me that the reasons he stoped communicating with me is becos work has been hectic. Few months later, i get to hear that He is abt getting married. I really feel sad abt this. Sometimes i ask myself if God is really seeing all this. My family are getting worried abt my single hood and sometimes they pass nasty comments at me. please advise me what do i do? I want to get married ASAP.
There is nothing true about you being cursed. Whether or not there is a curse on your natural family is not the issue. The real issue is what family do you belong to? The day you got born again your roots changed and you became a member of the Household of God. That is what the Scripture teaches. There is no curse in that lineage. Only every spiritual blessing!
Don't look for corroborating evidence from the wrong place. You need evidence that supports what you desire, not what you don't want. That is why you should not look at the history and patterns that have prevailed in your natural family. Each and every person is responsible for their own lives. So what happened to your cousins and aunts has no bearing on your own life and it need not have any bearing upon what will happen in your life unless you allow it.
The doctrine of generational/family curses being unavoidably present and transferred automatically is nothing more than a lie from the depths of hell. It is a figment of the imagination of men who proffer the wrong solution because of their ignorance or aversion for the truth of the Word of God. The perpetrators of such lies need you to hear and believe their lies for you to be in bondage. Your life does not go beyond your thoughts and what you hear develops into thoughts, when you think and believe that you are cursed, then you stifle the blessing of God that is upon your life from flowing to bring the husband-man into your life. The message “He Changed My Roots,” holds liberating power and is a necessity for every believer, especially those who have come to believe the lie that the curse that hangs upon them is the reason for their situation. Even though you have listened to it, the fact that you are still thinking you are cursed, shows that you need to still need to listen to it over and over again because faith for victory in this area will come only through repeated hearing of the Word. Remember that you have been “brainwashed” with this doctrine of a curse since you were a teenager! Until the Word brings about a change in your perception and the way you see yourself in this respect, then you have not listened to it enough. Let the Word become part of you and then make use of your mouth to declare that Christ has redeemed you from every curse, and that resting upon you now is the blessing of God. That blessing includes the favour of God [Galatians 3:13-14]. And the favour of God upon you will make the right man spot you.
Next, the fact that men who are born again come to you but they want you to have sex come shows that both of you are not in agreement. Good riddance to plenty rubbish! Remember two can't walk together except they are agreed on their destination [Amos 3:3]. It simply shows that even though they maintain that they are believers, their minds are not renewed to the Word of God, which you have chosen to bow your knee to. If you accepted their company, then you would have desecrated your values which are founded upon God's Word and stooped to their level. Please don't allow this disturb you. In fact, you may rather choose to see it as a reason for thanking God that such a person never came to your life. This will fuel you with praise as you remain poised and composed for the right man to come your way. By deciding to keep your body holy, you have honoured and glorified God with your body [1 Corinthians 6:20], and God said those who honour Him, He will honour [1 Samuel 2:30].
Don't be bothered about your family being worried, passing nasty comments about your singleness. It may sound easier said than done. But it can be done. In order not to be bothered and worried, you must learn how to insulate yourself and harden your heart to everything that is contrary to what you expect to see in your life – marriage in this case. What is important is that you do not become worried. Don't let the worry in your family members become transferred to you. Worry is selfish and that is why though they are worried about you, they still pass nasty comments about you. The Scripture says that you should cast all your cares on the Father because He cares for you [1 Peter 5:7]. The care of God for you includes His ability to provide for you, and that provision includes a spouse. Once your heart is rested in the fact that He has a man for you, then you will wait patiently for the man as he makes his way to you. He may be on his way right now!
Finally, be careful that your desire to get married ASAP doesn't become desperation. Desperation is a form of fear and if you get into fear, then you may be ready to accept anyone that comes to you though he is not God's will for you.
Relax, dear BLESSED sister, your Boaz (made in heaven just for you) is on the way to find you! You are the statistics-breaker in your family!