Sistaz and Suitors is dedicated to questions on relationships, courtship and dating. We will be happy to answer all your questions or hear your comments.
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Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
This is not a comment, it’s not a question. it’s a problem that I seek solution to. it is a confession and I need God’s forgiveness and help. I am single and 29, I’ve always loved the Lord since my childhood days and we have a good relationship, but there is a bad habit in me that always put us apart, I’ve worked on dropping it and sometimes when I think that I have succeeded, I fall all over again, and sometimes I fall real flat.
I am not bold enough to mention it in this confession, but if you listen to God he can tell you. please ask God to forgive me, I got a warning in my spirit not to do it again or I won’t be forgiven, but I went ahead, not I feel condemnation and dirty. please advise me on how to live above this weakness. LORD PLEASE ONE MORE TIME, FORGIVE ME.
Sorry, we cannot help if you are not clear. You can send an email to info@thecarpenterschurch.org with more details and then we can give you counsel.
This is the most sincere and genuine relationship Q/A site I’ve ever seen. Congrats. I’m a 30 year old born again doctor. I met this girl in a new church I’m presently attending and fell in love with her personality and her talent (singing). She’s born again and from a pastor’s home. I promised her marriage and the parents know that we are in a relationship, but my family wants me to marry from my tribe. Secondly, she doesn’t meet my additional specifications of a wife that is tall and very tush. I’ve always and still desire these qualities. I love her though but I’m afraid that if I marry her I’ll still fancy tall elegant ladies which has always been my childhood obsession; and if I lose her I may not see a Christian girl as good as she is. Please counsel me.
First of all, Douglas thank you for your kind compliment; it is much appreciated.
The first issue raised in your question relates to the issue of tribe. You love this lady, but your family wants you to marry from your tribe. The issue of tribalism is a sensitive issue which unfortunately not everyone can properly deal with. The choice of who you marry and where you marry from does not belong to anyone including your parents or family members; it is exclusively your prerogative. You need to understand this. In as much as marriage brings families together, it is the man and the woman joined together who become one, not their families (Genesis 2:24). In fact, the man and woman leave their parents in order to cleave to each other. Understand that though people can give you advice, every counsel must be founded on the infallible Word of God, and not on the basis of their biases and personal prejudices. The Bible does not say that you must marry someone from your tribe. There is one Family and nation, a believer should take their spouse from and that is the Family of Faith (Galatians 6:10), the people of God (1 Peter 2:9). If you have made up your mind that this is the lady you want to marry, then you should let your parents know of your decision. With the right attitude, they may come around. Even if they don’t you can go ahead knowing you have God’s blessing.
The other issue concerns her physical appearances. From the onset, it must be pointed out that a successful marriage is not only about physical appearances. While one may be attracted to a member of the opposite sex on the basis of how they look, a successful marriage is not founded on physical appearances neither is it sustained by them. To put beauty before character and other things that make for a successful marriage is like putting the cart before the horse: it is a marriage destined for the rocks. The Bible vividly describes how appalling a beautiful woman without character is (Proverbs 11:22).
That being said, physical appearances do have their place. Different individuals desire different things in a member of the opposite sex they’d like to have as a spouse and those desires may not necessarily be sinful or lustful. If you have always wanted a lady who is tall and very tush (that is sophisticated) — and for reasons best known to you that is what you still desire, then why do you want to settle for someone who doesn’t have those physical qualities? The danger in a person (especially a man) marrying someone who is not quite up to what he wants is that he may keep on comparing his wife with other women or lusting after other women. Both are very pernicious paths injurious to all involved.
If on the other hand, your desires are inordinate and lustful, then you need to renew your mind and cast down those imaginations. It could also be that your desires need to change, and get to love some other thing in her that is more important than the physical appearances. Good examples abound of how people have said they wouldn’t marry someone without certain physical qualities, but they ended up marrying someone without those qualities. Now, they can’t imagine being married to someone else! That is what happens when a person changes for the better. That is what may need to happen to you. At any rate, don’t get married with a feeling that you are “managing” the person. It would be very unfair of you to do so to any lady. You should also realize that you can find a Christian woman who has the physical qualities you want, and more importantly, who loves the Lord and has a lovely personality.
From the tenor of your question, you seem to be in fear: The fear of not having what you’ve always desired and the fear of losing this lady you’ve found and whose character you are in love with. Neither of those fears are of God. Settle it in your heart what you want, and let the answers given here help you.
In conclusion know that “charm can be deceptive and beauty doesn’t last, but a woman who fears and reverences God shall be greatly praised” (Proverbs 31:30). It is the inner beauty nurtured by godly reverence that matters and lasts.
i was in a relationship with a man,one year into the relationship, he started withdrawing himself, for 6months i tried to find out what the problem is, but he kept a false hope, deep inside of me, i knew there was a serious problem that made me question the possibility of a life time union, he is not a member of the church, but have also refused to see the pastors as instructed for reasons best known to him. when ever i threatened to leave the relationship, he opened his mouth to tell me the reasons that challenged his love for me.1) i had health challenges he cant deal with 2)the sexes in my family are more of female than male,3) i have become too short 4) and too slim. ahh, i reacted, but he said he was sorry, i did not believe his sorry lips, and you know what? he never came back, he has never called nor asked to see me. but at this time, i had made up my mind to face it. it’s hard, real hard to take, please tell me what right action i should have taken, and what to do now.
It’s a sad thing that happened to you. If he proposed marriage to you and you are member of TCC, by our policy you were expected to inform the pastors of your intention to accept his proposal. He would then have been invited for an appointment with your pastors. If you had spoken with your pastors about this, you would have been guided as to the proper step to take and most likely have been saved the pain you now feel. Notwithstanding, it is better he left when he did. If indeed you are a member of TCC, we recommend that you speak with any of the senior pastors for counseling.
Different people have different things they are looking for in a spouse. It is good that a man knows what he’s looking for before he asks a lady to marry him; and it is important that a lady knows what she wants before she accepts a man’s marriage proposal. This is necessary to avoid changes once commitments have been made. The breakups resulting from this failure to know what they want produce a lot of hurts.
Out of all the reasons he gave, the second to the fourth ones don’t hold water. You have nothing to do with the number of sexes in your family; you were short when he met you, and did not “become” short after he met you! Thinking that he was waiting for your height to increase is preposterous. The same thing applies to slimness. The only reason that hold ups is the fact that you have health challenges he can’t deal with. Interestingly, you were silent as to the nature of health challenges in issue.
At the beginning, when a man and a woman agree to get married, they cannot possibly know all the things about each other; it is in the course of their relationship that important facts come up. Different people have different levels of threshold regarding things they can or cannot handle. Accordingly, matters of health differ from person to person. Therefore someone who cannot handle a health challenge the other person is facing and calls off the relationship for that reason should not be scolded for calling off the relationship. The truth is that before marriage, questions of a health nature HAVE to be raised, and the persons concerned need to be brutally honest with themselves especially if the challenge could pose problems in their future relationship. If any health issue (or any other issue for that matter) which a party cannot handle comes up, the proper thing is that the persons part ways without any hard feelings. However, the way it is presented is also important. If the man you are referring to presented this as the reason for why he couldn’t continue with the relationship, then his reason for calling off the relationship would be proper; but putting it with other reasons is not the right thing to have done.
One cannot but empathize with the pain you feel especially in light of untenable reasons given for the breakup. The fact that he hasn’t called nor asked to see you is also telling. It shows he’s no longer interested in you. However, what has happened has happened, and there’s no point crying over spilt milk. You should forget about it and then trust the loving hands of the Father to lead someone who will love you for who you are and for what you are. More importantly, we would advise that you trust God for total healing of these health challenges (not because of marriage, for you can get married to a man who will love you in spite of whatever challenge you are facing and will walk with you into the fullness of your health), but because it is God’s will that you prosper and be in health and by the stripes of Jesus, healing is yours (3 John 2; 1 Peter 2:24).
Can one have a relationship with someone that goes to Jehovah witness with the mindset to convert the person to the undiluted Word of God??
Let me start by asking you: Do you know the other person’s mindset? The issue here is not what church the person attends (even though that is equally an important factor in considering a lifelong commitment) what is of import is if the person is born again. You have already testified that the person is yet to be born again. Being a Jehovah’s Witness, does he/she know he/she ought to become a born again Christian? If not, will you have the peace of God waiting for this person to get born again, assuming that you have the power to convict/convert someone to Christ like the Holy Spirit does? Will you be running such a relationship while waiting for the person to get born again? Your answers to these questions will certainly be in the negative.
Marriage works by mutual agreement and the platform for agreement exists only when both parties are born again. It is when both parties are born again that the Word of God can become their final authority answering all questions, resolving all issues, and dissolving all doubts. The Bible says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).
Fear is what usually gives birth to this sort of considerations and options. Recognize that God has not given you the spirit of fear; but of love, power and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Renew your mind by the Word of God and you will find out that Christianity is not a religion and should not be confused as such. You will find out that evil communication corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33), and so instead of you “converting” the person you may end up being converted to his religion.
The fact that someone is “good” and “morally upright” does not warrant such considerations because the Bible says that self-righteousness is like filthy rags before God (Isaiah 64:6). Will a man with his eyes open take a filthy rag and place it on his bosom? Consider it yourself!
I want to ask if every believer has a person God has specially prepared for them in marriage or are we all free to love and marry any person we desire?
This is an interesting question. God has provided the guidelines through which a believer can choose a spouse and accept a spouse. There is no one person for you in the sense that if you don’t marry that person, you have missed God’s choice for you. The only Scriptural injunction regarding the choice of a mate for a believer, is that he or she must marry “in the Lord”(1 Corinthians 7:39), that is a fellow believer. The reason for this is because light and darkness have nothing in common (2 Corinthians 6:14). Another reason why a believer should marry a believer is for the purpose of agreement. Two cannot walk together except they are in agreement (Amos 3:3). As believers, the Word of God is our final authority upon which we agree, and it should answer all questions, resolve all issues, and dissolve all doubts. You should marry someone who believes the same things from the Word of God as you: the baptism of the Holy Spirit, healing, prosperity etc. They should not only believe in the truths upon which these things are founded, they must also embrace the principles that make these truths an experience in day to day living. If they don’t see these things at the moment, they must at least be teachable and submissive to God’s Word.
Since the Bible is silent on other issues bordering on the choice of a mate, those issues have to be dealt on an individual basis, that is, based upon God’s specific leading and dealing with the individual, as well as the individual’s desires, tastes, preferences and understanding of God’s purpose for their lives. It is a wrong for someone to take a personal dealing of God with them and apply it across-the-board.
There will be more than one person who will fit the picture of what you desire. This means that if you are so strongly convinced that a person is your spouse, but the person didn’t accept you, or your relationship with them didn’t end up in marriage, there will always be someone else with who can a successful marriage with. This is a liberating truth that needs to be settled in your heart.
In order to find a mate you must be guided to “find” them (Proverbs 18:22). In order to find, you must seek, and in order to seek, you must know who you are seeking or looking for. This means that you should have some guideposts based on your desires, tastes, preferences and your understanding of God’s purpose for your life as you currently understand it. These are things that will help you narrow down who you are looking for. However, you should give some room for flexibility and be malleable to change especially if God seems to be nudging your heart in a direction different from where you heart may be set at the moment. The Bible says that “a man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps” (Proverbs 16:9). God will lead you.
Is it acceptable or right for a lady to spend sometime staying with her fiance in his house for days or a week as a visit. both of us are believers. pls reply fast I need to know what to do. thanks
It is certainly not acceptable for a lady to spend some staying with her fiance (and vice-versa) in his house for days or a week as a visit. What is important here is staying there for days i.e. sleeping over etc. Certainly there is nothing wrong with couples in a relationship visiting with each other; actually they should, but such visits should be with caution. If both of you are alone in a place precautions should be put in place so that you don’t fall into sexual temptation. Such precautions include keeping the doors and windows up. In addition, you should not keep unnecessarily late night visits. Even though sex does not occur only at night, the reduced flow of visitors at nighttime may make one more susceptible to sexual temptations.
Understand also that men and women go into relationships because they love each other. This means that their bodies are attracted to each other. If you stay long hours with someone you love but are not married to, you may be setting up yourself up for temptation. In this case you are not fleeing youthful lusts, and abstaining the appearance of evil as the Bible enjoins (2 Timothy 2:22; 1 Thessalonians 5:22), you are actually embracing it. If you think you can handle such, then you are telling God who gave this commandment that you are stronger and wiser than Him. The other thing to consider is that when you sleep under the same roof without being married, or when you keep careless visits, you make the way of truth evil spoken of (2 Peter 2:2). Your testimony is slandered and the name of Christianity becomes reproached. We must strive to provide things that are honest in the sight of God and men (2 Corinthians 8:21), knowing that men look at the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7), and will judge us on the basis of what they see.
Dear Team, I’m a 27 yr old woman in a relationship with a guy of 31, before we went into a relationship and decided to marry we both prayed to God and asked for revelations and confirmations from God if we were meant to be. And we both had our confirmations at different occasions. Now the problem is with his family they have labeled me with different names and said different things ranging from that fact that I will not have respect, they see us breaking up in the future, I have a hole in my womb and therefore cannot bear children to a them seeing a future of darkness and misery, these they said different pastors, prophets have told them. I see and I know this to be a conspiracy cause his dad and family have never wanted him to marry outside his community not to talk of tribe. He is now confused according to him and turned between his family and I and acts funny towards at times. Most times I tell him we should just go our separate ways for the sake of peace and he begs and says I should give him and them time that they will turn around but he doesn’t even know when. All these things they have said concerning me of course it’s not true because my Bible tells me differently and nothing is more sure than The Word of God. I have been invited by His family to come and I don’t know what for. I’m tired of all there negative talks, conspiracy and hate just because I’m from another tribe. I’m so confused that sometimes I want to walk away and I ask myself so many questions Why did I allow myself go into this relationship? Why did he confirm to me when all I’m getting from my prospective in laws I hate. Please I need advice, I need answers. Thank you
Benice, your question raises the issue of tribalism. This is a sensitive issue which unfortunately not everyone can properly handle. We live in a tribally charged society, and these issues of prejudices and biases will keep on coming up.
The Bible does not say that you must marry someone from your tribe: those are the commandments and traditions of men. There is one Family and nation, a believer should take their spouse from and that is the Family of Faith (Galatians 6:10), the people of God (1 Peter 2:9). An individual may tilt towards one or more tribes than other tribes, but that should not be their primary consideration.
Having said that, realize that in this case, the decision is the man’s. It is the man who gestures towards a lady and asks for her hand in marriage. It is for the lady to accept. If he asked for your hand in marriage and then the issue of your tribe becomes a cause for concern for his parents, the decision is still his, not his parents. If his parents have cogent concerns about some tribes (which you may come from), and he is considering them, then he may not want to turn a blind eye to those concerns raised. That is why he may be taking his time. But in the final analysis, the decision is still his. One would expect that a man who is grounded in the Word and understands what it means to be a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), will not yield to pressure of any kind mounted on him to do things in any way other than the Word says they should be done. But whether or not his reason is right or wrong, it is still his decision.
Now, if he had genuine “revelations” and “confirmations” from God before going into the relationship, then he should stand his ground. The fact that these issues are coming up does not mean that his “revelations” and “confirmations” were not of God as things that are of God are often tested and tried. If these “revelations” and “confirmations” originate in God, then he should stand by that persuasion and his parents and family people will come around. Testimonies abound of parents and family changing their minds after they have said all sorts of things. However, whether or not they change their minds is not the issue. The issue here is the ability to know what he wants to do, and stand by it. If you are no longer interested in the relationship, you also reserve the right to say you are no longer interested irrespective of your initial “revelation” or “confirmation.” God will always provide someone else for you.
Don’t allow yourself to be bothered about what his family people have said concerning you. You know the truth of God’s Word, and it is the truth you know and walk in that sets you free (John 8:32).
We would also ask that you seek counsel from your pastor.
Please I noticed that for the past one year or thereabout only married men have been seeking for a relationship with me, even to the extent of proposing to me, and of course I refuse and reject them because I’m a Christian. But my concern is why only married men? Is there something wrong somewhere? Not even one single man, and I’m still young. It’s been bothering me lately because I’m ready for marriage. Thanks
You may or may not be doing something wrong. There are times a lady attracts the attention of both married and single men because she is loose, but it is not always the case. Some men are just lecherous and they’ll go after any female. There are cases where the lady is doing nothing wrong; it’s the men who are being used as a means of temptation. A good example would be Potiphar’s wife who made advances at Joseph [Genesis 39]. She made the advances to Joseph, who refused and ultimately had to flee. So don’t apportion blame to yourself especially if you are not passing the wrong messages, which result in advances from men. Even if you don’t go looking after temptation, temptations may come looking after you. This might very well be the case here.
As you stand in faith and refuse to yield to temptation, the man who will love you and share the same principles of God’s Word upon which your own resolve is founded will find his way to you and you’ll recognize him. Up until then, stand steadfast on your desire to get married to a believer and one that respects God’s principles. That resolve is faith. And faith and fear don’t function at the same time. Actually, there is no reason for fear, and so don’t entertain it. When a person becomes afraid, they may very well end up doing things they said they would never do. Affirm in your heart, “There is no fear here!”
My fiance left me for my best friend, though God has helped me overcome the hurt but something still bothers me… before he left he made me have quarrels which he then capitalized on. I attempted reconciliations but he refused and only said so many negative things about me to his people. Now I found out he is with my friend and that was the major reason he left, he is still hiding it from me anyway. I feel like telling him I know and he should have peacefully gone rather than making me go through so much pains and spoiling my image.
You do not sound like someone who has overcome the hurt.
You are still feeling hurt because of the circumstances
that led to the break-up and the involvement of your friend
in the whole saga. This is quite understood, but you have
to drop it. You have to forgive and let go of the hurt in
order to experience the freedom that Christ has given you
in all things.
You do not have to tell him anything; it is over and that
is it. It is part of the hurt self that is itching for some
sort of explanation, justification and vindication, but it
is unnecessary. God is the one who justifies so trust Him to
vindicate you in the eyes of all those concerned. The truth
is you must know that it is not every Christian relationship
that would end up in marriage. At times like this, if you
don’t handle a broken relationship well, by feeling “used
and dumped,” it might give room for bitterness and
unforgiveness to come in and take root, which can be subtly
sensed in your case. That could act as a veil to God’s
purpose for your life. This should not be so because
bitterness and unforgiveness are cancers that eat you up
fast until they kill you. The Word of God declares that,
“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds”
(Psalm 147:3). God tells you, to cast “...all your care upon
Him; for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).
This is the good news! At times like this,
the grace of God is available for you. All you have to do
is go to the throne of grace and obtain the grace and the
mercy you need to help at this time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
No matter what, don’t let your feelings pressure you
into malice with the man or your friend. Forgive them
knowing that your life is not dependent on any man, rather
move on trusting that God will send you your BOAZ, a man
after God’s heart.
Tnk God 4 this forum and may it grow in Grace n Strength.
MY Questn:1)Is it right to marry a man that has a child or a Divorcee?
2)When a person from a broken home(proposed in marriage) is been rejected by the future in-laws(Guy’s parents n sibling) cos of her family back ground( saying that she will do what the parents did).?
My tots:Am not saying it wrong but my challenge is dis; am from a broken home.My present mom( i tnk God so mch 4 her) is not my mother.
coming from such, it like you reliving ur past.
Its not the fault of any child from a broken home. so y do they atimes bear the ill of the parents in marriage.
Just the tot,makes me weak to my bones.
I would like for you to know that divorce is not the best option at all in resolving marital disputes irrespective of what the source of the dispute may be; but it is not the “unpardonable sin” either. Therefore, if a man is a legitimately divorced Christian man and desires to remarry, there is nothing wrong with that if the lady also accepts his marriage proposal. Also, if you accept to marry the man you should count the costs, which include being a wife to him and a mother to his child or children as the case may be.
We would prefer to deal with such situations when we have full disclosure. However, being from a “broken home” is not hereditary and besides, there is no legitimate reason why anybody should be subjected to any mishaps because he or she came from a broken home as long as that individual is born again and renews his or her mind by the unfailing Word of God.