Sistaz and Suitors is dedicated to questions on relationships, courtship and dating. We will be happy to answer all your questions or hear your comments.
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Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
I just stumbled upon this forum and I thank God I did. The depth in God's Word, wisdom and soundness of doctrine with which issues are tackled is refreshing. I have always loved God from my childhood, having grown up in a Christian home. I became born again about 15 years ago. I still LOVE the Lord dearly. I have grown a great deal and have served in various capacities right from my Secondary school days. And because of my faith and love for God, I made a decision not to be involved in premarital sex. Most times, God speaks to me through dreams, visions and trances, though He still uses other avenues.
Sometime in my second year in the University (about seven years ago), I had a dream about a guy I got to know from church in my first year. The summary of the dream pointed to the fact that we would end up getting married. Prior to that dream we have been just friends. And I had no thoughts WHATSOEVER in the direction of marriage, not to talk of fantasizing about him. I was perplexed at first but bearing in mind that the Holy Spirit reveals to us things to come, I started praying about it. But I have always had my concerns about his being born again and spiritual although I have not noticed any vices in him that would suggest otherwise.
Also within the period we have been friends, he hardly calls to ask of my welfare, like I do with my friends. It bothered me if his type would ever give me attention if we ever got married. As I prayed about him and for him, God began giving me revelations. The question about his level of spirituality was answered in one of the revelations, in which I saw him very vibrant in the faith and matured. He was also narrating how God sent people that helped him. His friends also noticed the progress in his Christian walk and they gave thanks to God. The question about the fact that he may not be caring was also answered. I kept on having revelations of him speaking and acting kindly towards me and my family. I received updates on his life countless times, which prompted me to pray for him where necessary. From the discussions I had with him in the past about his career and vision for life, I found out that we had a common ground and that the purpose God had laid in my heart (which included taking the Gospel of Jesus round the world) and my personal dreams would be enhanced with him. With time, I started being more receptive to the idea that he might be the one. I have also been working on myself (I'm still doing that) and studying God's order in marriage and other necessary materials.
Inspite of all these revelations and confirmations from other Christians (especially during periods of discouragement), he is yet to show up. I have had other guys come to me but I turned down their proposal. And later, I always see the reason why God discouraged me from them. I am 26 years old now, I have finished Youth Service, I'm working and better job prospects are in sight. Yet there is no sign of him. I'm open to God and wouldn't mind if He says the guy in question isn't the one again. All I want to do is His will. I have this understanding that God doesn't just keep only one man for a lady and therefore, since the one in question isn't showing up, I'm open to other godly suitors. However, I recently came out of a relationship where a man I accepted just developed cold feet all of a sudden, though I prayed about him. As it stands now, we hardly exchanged pleasantries. And I have said nothing to him. I trust that God would have a way of doing that. I've taken him out of my mind and wouldn't even think of him for as long as six months or more but all of a sudden, something will remind me of him or even someone whom I've mentioned him to in passing will just ask me of him. To be truthful, I'm tired of this. I've sought counsel from other mature Christians and I'm sharing this again with you. I want to move on.
Grace
Dear Grace,
Thank you for “stumbling” on to our blog. We are glad to read that it has been a huge blessing to you. It is refreshing to hear of your deep love for God and we celebrate your stand for sexual purity.
To your question concerning the dreams you've had. Dreams are successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. However God ordained dreams are measurable by the Word of God. The Bible is a more sure word of prophecy (2 Peter 1:19).
God's Word to you concerning a spouse is one that will love you as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25), and if this dream brother is the one, God's order is that he will aggress towards you, whether or not you pray about it. If he is not, you will exasperate or weary yourself praying for something that is not God's will to become one.
One of the smartest ways to pray according to God's will is by praying in other tongues. It is a way to hit the bull's eye in having your request made known to God. Another beautiful angle to praying in tongues is that you do not even know what you are praying about but because the Holy Spirit who knows the mind of God prays through you, you will pray according to the will of God, and your answer is guaranteed. If he is the one he will come. If he is not the one, the right person will come and you will recognize him because you will be in sync with the Holy Spirit because you have been praying in the Spirit and therefore will be able to know the mind of God when it manifests.
You have made the right decision in deciding to move on. Engage the Word of God and be open to God's Spirit and of course pray always in the Holy Spirit.
If you are not already filled with the Holy Spirit, read the following
Prayer For The Baptism Of The Holy Spirit
Concerning receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit, Jesus said,
Luke 11:9-10, 13
All you need to do to receive the Holy Spirit is to ask the Father in faith.
When you receive the Holy Spirit, you will speak in tongues. Speaking in tongues is speaking in a language unknown to you as inspired by the Holy Spirit. When you receive the Holy Spirit, He will give you the utterance, that is, He will give you unknown words to say, but you have to open your mouth and say them (Acts 2:4). You are the one who speaks in tongues – not the Holy Spirit.
To be filled with the Spirit, pray this prayer right now:
“Father, I thank You for the promise of the Holy Spirit made available to me in Christ Jesus. Right now, I receive the gift of the Holy Spirit, and I will speak in tongues as the Spirit gives me utterance.”
Now by faith, open your mouth and speak those wonderful words.
Congratulations! A whole new dimension of supernatural power and manifestations has just opened up to you.
Now that you have been filled with the Spirit, it is necessary for you to maintain a Spirit filled life. Ephesians 5:18 says, “And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit.” This verse commands you to be constantly filled with the Spirit. One way you can keep on being filled with the Spirit is by speaking in tongues regularly.
I just stumbled into this site and I am impressed by what I am seeing. My question is this, I have been in a relationship with a brother in my church for over 2 years now which I have told my pastor about, but my problem is that this brother is delaying me and I don’t know if it is normal to ask him when we are going to formalize everything.
Dear Sandra, thank you for your candid question. First of all we need to understand what you mean by “relationship” as the word has become subject to a lot of meanings these days. Technically speaking, there is a relationship between a man and a woman when the man has proposed marriage to the woman, and the woman has accepted. That is the proper and safest thing which should exist for there to be a relationship with marriage in view. If on the other hand, you are speaking of where a man and a lady like themselves and they’ve shown it to each other, but the man hasn’t still clearly said that he wants to marry the lady, then that needs to be clarified. Experience has shown many a lady and in some cases men, assuming that there is a relationship with marriage in view, just to be surprised later on because it wasn’t clearly stated.
Now if your meaning is the first explanation we gave above, then upfront we will say that there is nothing wrong with asking a man you have been in a two years old relationship with about his plans to formalize the relationship by marriage. In fact we are rather surprised that you waited for two years to have that all-important conversation. At the beginning of every godly relationship, there should be a plan in view. Sometimes, because of unforeseen circumstances, there may be need to alter your schedule backwards or forward, but it is important both of you sit down and agree on a direction for your relationship.
You said your pastor is already aware of your relationship with this brother, and from your tone, it sounds like you don’t see any reason why both of you should not take the logical next step which is having a formal marriage ceremony.
We can also give you some guidelines as follows:
The answers to some or all of these questions will help you to know if you should stand in faith with him, if you should give it a little more time, or if you should call off the relationship and move on, before it degenerates into a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship.
All the instances above are possibilities that could exist. Our concluding thoughts is that since both of you are in the same local church, it may be wise to meet your pastor privately for counsel. Purposeless relationships without a definite focus are dangerous and should be avoided. We trust that the wisdom of God will order your steps.
Good evening Panel. I have been blessed so far reading your blogs. Please I need some advice. I accepted a proposal from a man of God whom I thought to be God’s will for me based on some revelations. He later asked for sex, this brought arguments and Iquit the relationship because of my covenant with God, knowing that premarital sex is sinful. He pleaded with me along with his family members, telling me to forgive him that he’ll never request for such again. I gave him a second trial, but he came up with the same issue again and nearly forced me into that but I escaped. I have decided to leave him completely. Please,can God’s will be accompanied with such horrifying acts? Also, please guide me on how to choose, because I’m confused about those asking for my hand in marriage and God has not spoken in the way I really understand. Thank you.
Hello Blessing. We thank God for His mercies, protection and deliverance. Your story could have been one of abuse if not for God’s mercy. We must emphasize that the man in question has personal issues he has not been able to deal with, which may be deep-rooted sexual indiscipline from his past, or basically a self-controlissue that he needs to deal with before committing to a relationship. He needs to renew his mind in that area, and he needs the Holy Spirit and the Word of God to do that, not you.
Concerning if it was God that orchestrated the relationship in the first place, we may not be able to give you a yes or no answer to that question, but we will like to state the following:
In response to your question about how to know the right man for you to commit your life to in marriage, we will give you a few hints, but it’s important you know that this is a broad subject that we may not be able to completely handle in this forum. We may recommend additional resources from The Carpenter’s Media ministry that can give you detailed direction. The main issues to consider are:
In conclusion, we have to emphasize that the choice of your life partner is the second most important decision you will need to make after the decision to be born again, so it is a decision you definitely need to be led by the Spirit of God. If you are born again, God is your Father and He wants to talk to you and lead you if you will be attentive to listen to His voice.
I’m in love with a particular sister in church,though I’ve not made my intent known to her. I’m still trying to know her better. My question is: How long will it take us to court since we don’t know anything about each other?
Dear Igbikis, thank you for sending in your question. If you are a member of The Carpenter’s Church then we recommend that you go to our website and read the church handbook that has a chapter on Courtship /Marriage. We usually advise that a minimum period of six months and a maximum period of eighteen months as the time frame courtship. Also note that you can never have enough time to know the person you want to marry. It is a walk of faith and each step opens you to a new and exciting discovery of your partner to be. Please do not in any way slip into a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. You need to define your relationship with her from the beginning. If you want to marry her; then take the bold step of proposing to her. If you are not sure what you want yet, then you give it some more time. However, don’t get too close to the point that your actions will mislead her especially since you may not be sure of what you want.
Panel, please there is a man that proposed to me since 2011 and my father refused him to marry me because of tribalism, and I am approaching 35 years! He loves me and I love him back, what should I do?
Dear Itoro, thanks for your sincere question. We believe our answer will be of great help to you.
You are an adult and you are old enough to take responsibility for your actions and your decisions and that includes the choice of a life partner. Fortunately for you, your father is never going to eventually marry you so at a certain point you have to make up your mind on how to go about this matter.
You did not mention if you are a born again Christian or if the man involved is born again. This is very vital because as Christians, our first resort is talking to God and involving Him in every issue of our lives.
The Bible says that the heart of the king is in the Lord’s hand and He can direct it in the way He wants (Proverbs 21:1). Itoro! God can turn the heart of your father in your favour if you commit it into His hands.You are an adultand your father needs to come to terms with that fact but you need to make him understand this in the spirit of agape love.
Let him understand that for us as believers, tribe is not a barrier in anyway. We are one in Christ despite our tribal differences and the blessing of God rests upon each and every one of us.
I believe that God is going to touch the heart of your father if you engage God in this matter. You may also want to talk to a few of his friends or relatives that can be on your side in this matter, but be careful who you involve. They may be of help in talking with him and persuading him to give his consent. I wish you the best as you engage God in this issue.
I thank God for this site. Please I am a born again lady of 25 years, and I met a guy in my service year and we became friends, he loves me very much and intends marrying me. But we are friends and we don’t stay in the same city. I have not said yes to his proposal. I got a post in my youth fellowship and often times we were asked to get rid of any distraction. I am asking if it is right for me to tell him to halt in our friendship so I don’t get distracted or should I just be single no relationship or friends with such ambition for now. Is it improper for me as a Christian girl to keep him as a friend? I told him that I think we should give each other a break because of my post in the youth fellowship. He is also a Christian but still young in the faith and he loves God.
Hello Nello, thank you for choosing to talk to this panel on this matter. There are a few things that are not very clear from your mail but we will give our advice based on our understanding of your questions. We trust that the Holy Spirit will give you an answer of peace. We will itemize the issues as follows:
The issues outlined above are our understanding of your concerns regarding this matter. Our responses to the issues raised are as follows:
The other concern for us is that when a young woman gets a marriage proposal from a man she considers her friend; it is usually a thing of joy and excitement. If you consider this friendship a distraction, then our question would be: Have both of you gotten physically intimate thereby and therefore living with guilt which now makes the relationship a distraction? If physical intimacy or sex is already involved, then both of you will have to repent of it, talk about it and set boundaries you will never cross.
As a Christian lady, it is wrong to drift along in a purposeless relationship. Having come to know this man for a while, and he made a marriage proposal to you, you need to ask yourself the following questions:
Finally you said he is young in the faith. We don’t know if you are talking in terms of being a new convert or in terms of being a growing Christian.
Our recommendation is that someone that has been a consistent Christian for less than six months to one year should first of all focus on his walk with God and stabilize in his Christian walk before getting into a committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex, lest the relationship becomes a distraction for him from the more important relationship he has with God. Secondly, a young believer is still going through a primary renewal of the mind. You may never know the struggles he had as an unbeliever, so it is wise that these relationships are put in their proper perspectives.
The relationship with God is paramount before a relationship with a spouse. In fact you cannot have a good marriage relationship with a man that does not have a good relationship with the Holy Spirit. So you want to make sure that his divine relationship is stable and growing before you commit to him. On the other end we must emphasize that we are all works in progress in God’s hands, so if he has been born again for a reasonable period of time and is passionate about the Word of God and the things of God and you can see reasonable progress in his walk with God, nothing stops you from getting into a committed relationship with him if you are comfortable with other vital areas. The main purpose of courtship is to get to know the other person. Every courtship is not compulsorily going to end up in marriage.
God bless you all at the panel for doing a great Job. I’m in love with a man whom I’ve known for close to 9 years now. We were very good friends and didn’t start a relationship until the 4th year after we met. We broke up in less than 2 years. We had marriage in view but I felt it was taking so long and he didn’t have a tertiary education and I was in the university as at then. A few months after the breakup he kept calling for a make up. I consistently turned him down not until late last when I said yes to him again. He still doesn’t have a tertiary education, but he’s born again and has every other quality I desire in my ideal man. He’s ready for marriage.
He’s told his mum about me. We had earlier agreed that I’ll tell my mum about the relationship but I’m so scared that my mum will kick against it since she’s advised me never to get married to someone without a tertiary education, although he agreed to back to school immediately after we get married. So he kept asking if I’ve told my mum about the relationship I told him no and that he should exercise patience that I would tell her gradually preferably in a stepwise manner. So he got upset and said that if I truly love him I’ll tell my mum about him no matter the consequences. He stopped calling. But I kept calling him. During this period our conversations were very brief. After a while I stopped calling because his response wasn’t encouraging. He called a few days after to apologize and said he still loves me. I expected him to be patient and understanding but he wasn’t.
I’ve forgiven him but have decided to act like a lady and allow him take his rightful place as the aggressor. I truly love him. Please advise me.
Dear Zara, thank you for the sincere question.
You mentioned that you have known this young man for close to nine years now and that you started a relationship four years after. Zara nine years is a very long time to be in a relationship. You should also know that boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is not advisable or encouraged as a Christian. If a Christian man intends to marry a Christian lady, he should define the relationship from the beginning and they should enter into a formal relationship with the knowledge of their pastors.
The period of courtship is the time you get to know each other, adjust to the reality of the journey that you are about to embark on, talk about real issues, bond spiritually, lay a firm foundation for your life together, and avoid any form of physical intimacy. This is the reason why a long period of courtship is not advisable in order to avoid becoming too sexually attracted to each other and indulging in premarital sex.
We also observed in your own case that you have concerns about his educational background. By now we assume you are a graduate and you are not even sure of your family support because of his educational background. This is a real issue before you.
The first question you may need to ask is this: Are you ready to get married to a man that you are more educated than? You mentioned that he promised to go back to school after you are married but we have concerns about that promise. As the head of the home, it will be his duty to take care of you and also take up some financial responsibilities in the home. Will he be able to meet up that obligation while schooling? Will you be able to proudly introduce him to your circle of friends before and after you are married? Are you willing to cope with the complex issues that he may very likely show from time to time because of his educational background? Is he ready to sincerely deal with these issues when they come up in future without throwing you in the mix?
You are likely to have already experienced some of these issues of concerns just raised. If you can sincerely answer these questions then you will be able to take a stand. We want you to prayerfully ask God for an answer of peace and He will guide you.
You also mentioned that you want him to take his rightful place as the aggressor. Have you been the aggressor before now? Are you in any way becoming a little desperate because of your age? Is that why you came back into the relationship after the breakup?
We want you to remember that you are special before God and He has a plan for your life. This includes a plan for a blissful marriage. Please don’t ever make any decision out of desperation or pressure from any one. Take out more time and pray about this matter and allow the Spirit of God to give you direction concerning how to go about the right decision to take. If you have finally decided to break up this relationship, do so without fear of the unknown. You are special before God and there are certainly many young Christian men around who are yet to discover you and God will send one specially to you, who you will accept.
May God bless you for the work you are doing. Is it right for a lady to tell a guy that she is in love with him, if not please give Biblical reference. Thank you!
Thank you Gloria for visiting our blog. The phrase “in love” according to the Free Online Dictionary means:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 lists all the qualities of God’s kind of love. When a lady tells a guy she loves him and she means all the qualities of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, then there is nothing wrong with that because it means that if the guy is not in love with her, it will not be a problem.However, if the love is as defined in the dictionary cited above there will be a problem because if the guy who according to Scripture should initiate love has not done it, then the order is wrong. God’s order is for the man to take the initiative in an intimate love relationship.
God’s order is for the man to leave father and mother: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).God’s order is for the man to find a wife. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22).
In addition to a husband / wife relationship, in a courtship between a man and woman who have agreed to marry, it is proper for one to tell the other they love them. It is healthy, normal and expected for this to happen; therefore the lady can say it without waiting for the man.
Please I’m a girl of 18 and a born again Christian. Due to my looks and the way I behave maturely, people think I’m up to 23. Suitors from within the church (DLCM) and outside have been approaching me. Some have even taken my name to marriage registry. Can I really consider any of them or maybe should I just overlook their advances in order not to encourage any form of distraction and face the more pressing issues that are presently facing me?
Rejoice, we are glad you have more pressing issues facing you presently and will advise you to focus on your academics and those other more pressing personal issues. There may be no specific age at which we can say that someone is ready for marriage or not but generally speaking, when someone is independent and have a level of personal stability and can take care of personal responsibilities, you can to a large extent say that the individual has met one of the many criteria for starting a family. Rejoice, did you meet those criteria.
The way you sound, some or all of these brothers perceive you to be much older than you are.That means they may likely be much older than you are. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says that there is a time for everything under the sun. There is no hurry, there are many experiences that you will still savour as a teenager and as a young adult that marriage at the age of 18 years will deprive you of. We advise you to enjoy your teen years, make friends, learn new things and grow spiritually, emotionally, socially and even physically before considering marriage. Focus on going to school or learning a craft and pursuing a career before considering marriage.
I’m 21 years a 1st year student. A brother from the same church has proposed to me and I have accepted his proposal because we have both prayed and know that it is the will of God, my leader and even mother in the Lord have confirmed it.We both love each other but my father said that I will not marry until I finish my graduate course; but we both agree to finish my school before child-bearing. He has been waiting for me since my early 19.How can I tell him now to go why I love him?Please sir, what should I do in this case?
Dear Gift, thank you for being sincere and seeking for godly counsel.We have very limited information to work with but we will give you general counsel based on God’s Word.
One must admit that your father has a point if he insists that you conclude your undergraduate program before marriage, because many women made this type of decision and eventually could not focus to complete their academic pursuit and they dropped out on the way. Some staggered through school amidst the distractions and graduated with very poor grades. You must be aware that marriage is a lifelong commitment that you want to make only when you have an acute understanding of your personal preferences and a clear picture of your future direction in life.
Love and relationships can be very distracting and may hardly share your focus with anything else. The Word of God says that he that believes does not make haste (Isaiah 28:16). Is your decision to marry this man motivated by fear of not getting another man? Is it motivated by peer pressure etc.? I believe you have gotten the point.
You also mentioned that you don’t know how to call off the relationship. Sometimes, doing the right thing may be tough, but it’s still the right thing to do because in the long run, you reap the benefits. This is a scenario where you have to focus on your future and doing the right thing at the right time. Politely explain your reasons for calling off the relationship to the young man and refuse to be pressured into hurting and distracting yourself and disrupting your future. You will be protecting yourself from sin.