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Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
Two Sisters grew up sharing everything they had without reservation. Both got married years apart and the story changed. They are now married to individuals who may not share this view of theirs or the usual let’s build our relationship without undue influence kept them seemingly apart. In their respective marriages everyone thought all was well not until one fell ill and was hospitalized in the last trimester of her second baby. She moved her 2 year old daughter into her Sister’s home for care. While in the hospital she opened up to discuss her pain and agony in her 4 years of marriage to Steve. With a husband laid back, not ready to take up challenge, Steve lost his Job few months into their marriage. She practically bears the entire responsibility of the family yet being abused physically by the husband. Being in the hospital was relief for her. Baby was born and mother did not make it home from hospital. Baby was taken by Grandmother for care. Sister is angry for not knowing what younger Sister suffered and now she is dead. Her husband does not want Steve in the house not even to see his daughter, except he picks up his responsibility. Question: How best can the situation be handled without depriving the children of knowledge of who their father is?
Dear Sister Anonymous,
Thank you for sending in this question. This situation is quite painful but with the wisdom of God, this situation can be handled without casualties. Firstly, our concerns should be for the children the deceased sister left behind. No child born into the world has ever had a chance to choose the kind of family he/she was born into. Knowing this fact, if a child is born into a dysfunctional home as it were, it is not the fault of the child and if we have the opportunity to render any form of help to such a child, our main focus will be to protect the child's heart/mind in every way possible.
In this particular case, the children involved are still very young and may not have serious memory of the physical abuse their mother suffered in the hands of their father except if they are ever told. You also have to understand sister, that no matter how terrible the man was or still is; he still remains their biological father.
The fact is this: the children belong to their father. Except their father has openly relinquished his responsibility over them, then the responsibility to raise them up is his. It is for this reason we would strongly advise against debarring him from taking his children.He should be told to come take the children except he flatly refuses. If he takes them, then the children can be helped with money being sent to their father especially since he is said to be laid back. If he refuses to take them, then and only then should they stay with their aunt and uncle.
A pertinent question to ask here is: Does the sister to the deceased have the legal right to keep the children in her custody? Their father is their father and so he has the right to his children. There has been no abuse to the children, by their father and so there is no reason why his children shouldn't be with him. To say he is laid back and can't take care of them is preemptive no matter how plausible the facts seem. Any reason why he should be deprived of custody of his children is a matter of evidence and can only be established while the children are with him. It should be borne in mind that we don't live in a lawless society and actually if the children are being kept with the sister of the deceased or anyone for that matter without the consent of their father, he may institute a legal action against them. Consult a lawyer or child welfare officer to know the terms and conditions under which such an action can be taken is expedient here.
The circumstances under which the children stay with their aunt and uncle notwithstanding, they should be told who their father is without the horrific details. This should be done with utmost protection of the innocent minds of those children. This will prevent them from growing up harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards their father. The ripple effect of bitterness: spiritually, physically, socially and emotionally is not what you want to expose them to in anyway.
While legal advice is being sought, the children should be led to Christ. We are advising based on the assumption that the sister in question is a born again Christian. The salvation of those little children is very important. It is like a seal of divine protection over their lives and future and most importantly encourage the sister to keep praying for them and making decrees over their lives based on the promises of God from the Bible.
It is also worthy of note that both the sister and her husband need to forgive Steve. When it comes to flesh and blood, human beings are hardly logical and objective. You don't want to ever raise children and cut them off from their father because as they get older, you may end up becoming the enemy.
There are several twists and turns to this incident and so we recommend advice on issues relating to child custody be sought from a lawyer and/or a child services officer.
Today was another outing for the family meeting. Auntie Mina was great and we were greatly refreshed, inspired, and positioned for better manifestation of God’s grace in our marraiges by our acts of Forgiveness. The talk highlighted the reason why Forgiveness is the key to a more fruitful life as individual and in the marraige relationship. Unforgiveness was unveiled like never before. Though heard it preached before it came fresh with power and freshness, tangible change is eminent. I am blessed beyond measure. Every outing is a blessing to my marraige because besides the talk questions span to other aspects of the marraige relationship not just the topic discussed. If you missed today’s meeting grap the CD and if you were there life then you know the koko of the matter, get the CD for a friend. Thanks to the Pastorate for this unique forum to help better relationships. We all Declare that we are BETTER OFF! Keep a date next Month.
Hello, I have a question about marriage and divorce. I walked out of my marriage 7 years ago due to spiritual battles I faced and I did not know better then. I did not know that I had the power and authority to wage spiritual battles. Now I feel God strongly leading me to go back to my husband, but he has refused to accept me, in fact he sent me a letter of divorce. Now I hear he is planning to remarry. Is it unchristian of me to pray against his marriage and stand for our marriage to be restored?
We don’t have enough space here to discuss the subject of marriage and divorce. Divorce should not be seen as a quick way out of any marital problem and many times, with cooperation of both parties and Counselling, divorce can be avoided. However, we know that divorce is also not the “unpardonable sin” and there are Scripturally valid situations that would give rise to divorce. You have not given us details concerning the situations that caused you to walk out of your marriage when you did. While there is nothing impossible with God, 7 years is not a short period of time to be out of your marriage. That period of separation is a clear indication to him that you were no longer interested in the marriage. This is even the case legally. Thus, your husband would have had more than enough time to have a change of mind.
Notwithstanding, nothing is impossible with God, and if indeed it is God who is leading you to go back to him, He will make a way; He will touch his heart. The best way to pray in this situation is to pray in the Spirit, which is in other tongues (Ephesians 6:18; 1 Corinthians 14:2; Romans 8:26-28). You can pray this way if you are filled with the Holy Spirit and speak in other tongues.
What this kind of praying does is that it will remove selfishness from your prayers and cause you to pray according to the mind and will of God. There are so many things that the mind cannot understand in this situation, therefore, praying according to your understanding and mind will be extremely limiting. By praying in the Spirit, you engage the will of God as you pray His will and His power goes into operation to bring about His will.
We would also advise you to speak with your pastor so you can be helped and counseled properly.
All in all, trust God for an answer of peace that will place you in HIS purpose and plan for your life today.
My husband spends a lot of time on the phone most times talking business or just catching up on gist with friends. It’s so much that some mornings before he even speaks to me he’s on the phone with someone or the other. This often also repeats at night when we both get home from work. I have asked him several times to cut down on unnecessary calls when he is home because I feel it’s encroaching on the time we spend talking with each other but he says I’m being too demanding? Rather than become a nag I’ve chosen to let the matter lie but I’m still unhappy about it. Am I really being over-demanding? We have two young children.
Asika, thank you for your question and the sincerity you express in it. You shouldn’t let the matter lie. You should face it headlong. Both of you work and so you definitely need some time together. Moreover, a woman wants to know that her husband gives her attention and shows her affection. So, you are not being over-demanding. However, the way and manner you broach the subject matters a lot. Maybe you shouldn’t raise it with him when he has just finished speaking to someone on the phone because at that time you would be emotional and boiling with anger; and so even though what you have to say may be cogent and concrete, it wouldn’t be said in the right spirit and attitude. It would come across to him as nagging. Wait for the right time then you can firmly communicate your feelings to him.
You should also pray about it. Ask God to touch his heart and bring about a change in the situation. Ask Him also for the wisdom to handle the matter. He will answer you and you will see a change.
I have been the bread win of my family for 2 years now. My husband has been out of job and it's really not been easy for me. I am doing everything: school fees, rent, feeding. I just feel my husband is not trying enough to look for job, each time I talk to him all he tell me is that if I think he is happy with his situation and that he is trying his best. 3 weeks after I had our second baby we had a quarrel he left the house for 4 months he did not even show up for the baby dedication, at this time our rent has expired I had to borrow money from the office to pay the rent. Each time we have a quarrel he will take some of his things and go and stay at his father Place. Now even to attend church is a problem for him. I am really tired of the marriage and I am planning to take my children and leave him. As a believer will I be committing a sin if I leave him? Please I need urgent reply.
The man is the provider of the family; he is the breadwinner. One can imagine what you have gone through taking on that role for the past 2 years. The woman is a helper to her husband and is expected to offer assistance if she works or has a career. Therefore it is not strange for a woman to bring money into the home. Challenges come to us all and in your husband’s case it has come as a loss of his job. In this situation, you are doing the proper thing in helping with the family responsibilities till when your husband can get a job. The fact that your husband has been out of work for 2 years is not really the issue; it is the attitude he has shown that is disturbing. If he is making the effort to find a job, then express some patience with him. Both of you should agree in prayer that he would get the job of his desire.
Your husband leaving the house after your child was born is not excusable at all. It may be that his inability to provide is getting at him and is affecting his confidence. Nonetheless it is not acceptable of a husband and father. He should know that there are other ways he can offer assistance in the house. He can even look for a job he would normally not do like driving, or doing a labourer’s job. These will not only give him some finances to bring into the home, more importantly, they will give him seed to sow which God will multiply and bring back to his life; they are also acts of faith that will cause the job of his desire to move faster towards him.
We empathize with your situation. However, we would want you to be patient before you consider doing anything. Don’t begin to say thing like being tired of the marriage. Your words are very powerful, and they determine how the situation turns out. We advise both of you to seek counsel on this matter. If you are both members of TCC, then you can make an appointment to see the pastor. If you belong to another local assembly, then you both should see your pastor. You will be guided along the path of wisdom. If you are both teachable, you will be helped.
I have really been blessed by the life transforming teachings ministered during these meetings. So many aspects of my life has indeed witnessed improvement since I joined TCC. Indeed, God is HERE!
What should a wife who has been sexually unfaithful to her husband do after repenting and desisting from it? Will God forgive me if each time I commit adultery I ask for forgiveness and still go back to it again?
If a woman has been sexually unfaithful to her husband she has to do certain things.
Firstly and most importantly, taking it that the one who committed adultery is a believer, she has to confess it to God as a sin, and ask for His forgiveness. Adultery is a terrible sin, but there is no sin beyond the reach of the Father’s love, mercy and forgiveness. As 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” The Father is faithful to forgive; but it doesn’t end there: He also cleanses from all unrighteousness. This means that your heart or conscience is cleansed from the consciousness of the wrong you have done. When the Father forgives He forgets. With Him forgiveness is equivalent to forgetting. On the other hand, the human consciousness doesn’t forget so easily. When a wrongdoing is recalled, it is likely to arouse emotions of guilt. Dwelling on such thoughts and emotions is not proper.
If God is just on the ground of His Son’s finished work to forgive, then no one has any business recalling such with emotions of guilt. It is not a show of humility when we remind ourselves of things God has forgiven us of. When God forgives us, He cleanses us from the consciousness of the wrongdoing. This gives us a consciousness that we are forgiven and cleansed and enables us still the mouth of Satan the accuser and the avenger who will remind us of what the Father has forgiven and forgotten.
Secondly, she should get accountable to someone. This should be someone who has spiritual oversight over her. Preferably this would be her pastor. Getting accountable will help her know when and how to tell her husband concerning the adultery. In matters of this nature, wisdom is vital, and godly counsel that comes from being accountable will make this available. If her husband is also a believer and they both attend the same church and therefore submitted to the same under-shepherds, hopefully, this would make restoration easy for her.
Finally, she should sever all ties with the one with whom she committed adultery.
My husband has so many members of his family that depend on him, most times after he gives all of them money all we have left is my salary to spend. At times I try not to talk because they are his relatives but I always feel bad especially when he decides to borrow again to give them. We’re yet to clear some debt from our wedding and they still won’t stop asking. More than 70% of his salary goes to them (not the same person) and at times I have to give part of my salary when they keep asking.my patience is running out,most times its the deposit slip I see or he mentions it when we are discussing after he has taken the step already.
Dear Lois,
The frustration that may ensue from poorly managed finances, especially in a new family if not nipped in the bud is understood. If you and your husband are members of TCC, we would suggest that you talk with your husband in love about seeking counsel from the pastors; if you are not members of TCC, then seek counsel from your pastors.
Suffice it to say that both of you need to learn the principles of family budgeting; that is, draw up a monthly family budget and stick with it. In that budget you can make provision of what you will give to your family members. That way, nothing is given indiscriminately and without due consideration.
I was recently going through my notes and came across the teaching in the MoThaRs collection of 27th November 2011, titled “What matters most to you?”. The options were;
1. Is it your looks?
2. Is it your children?
3. Is it your career?
4. Is it your friends?
5. Is it money?
6. Is it property?
What should matter most is our relationship with God. As that is the one thing that will guarantee you to have strength in every storm. (Psalm 27:4-5) The message really blessed me afresh. MoThaRs, lets go back to the lessons we have heard; they are still very relevant.
Yesterday’s joint meeting was a refreshing experience. I was thoroughly enriched.