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When a woman starts keeping secrets from her husband like hiding her account details and whatever she does, but she wants to know everything the husband does, what would you advice?
A brother-in-law that lives with us is causing trouble between me and my wife. What should I do?
When I beat my child for wrong doing, my wife shouts at me but when she beats up the child she thinks it’s okay. What should I do?
When a woman starts keeping secrets from her husband like hiding her account details and whatever she does, but she wants to know everything the husband does, what would you advice?
Two stones at the foundation of any successful marriage are trust and communication. Regrettably, those two vital elements seem to be missing in this marriage. The good news is that they can be built into your marriage with practice and patience. It has been said that “Trust is not demanded but earned.” This means people come to trust you because the way and manner you live make you earn their trust. If you want your wife to trust you, do things that will make her trust you.
It is good if your wife tells you her account details. But if she doesn’t, big deal! Please, don’t make an issue of it! It is better she is gradually led to the point where she can tell you her account details and other things which are more important than money of her own accord, than you putting her under pressure to tell you her account details. You can earn her trust by making the first move to tell her important things concerning you. For instance, does she know how much you earn? If you’ve not told her how much you earn but you are expecting her to tell you her own account details, you shouldn’t be surprised why she has withheld her account details and other things from you. Confide in her little by little and she will do the same for you.
A brother-in-law that lives with us is causing trouble between me and my wife. What should I do?
If you have a brother-in-law or any relative for that matter living with you and their presence is causing problems between you and your wife, then you may have to ask the person to leave.
When I beat my child for wrong doing, my wife shouts at me but when she beats up the child she thinks it’s okay. What should I do?
The purpose for beating a child should be for correction and discipline (Proverbs 19:18; 29:15). Whenever you are beating your child two things are important: Firstly, you should communicate why you are doing so; and secondly, you should do it in the spirit of love. There is no abuse in love. Do you beat your child when you are angry? Does the beating tend to child abuse? Is the child wounded and bruised when you beat them? If you beat your child out of anger, or if the beating tends to be abusive, then your wife sensing these may feel for the child and express her feelings by shouting at you telling you to stop. If this is the case, please, look beyond her shouting and address the real issue. There is a difference between beating a child in love and beating them abusively.
If your wife beats your child but there is no anger and abuse in it, then she is doing it the right way. But if she beats the child out of anger and abusively, or if she just doesn’t like you beating your child, then both of you need help, and we would advise that you both seek counsel from your pastor.
A couple with children, had to take up the responsibility of providing for two other children. What can the husband do to ensure that he is not paying too much attention on his own children (what he is already used to) e.g when shopping for them, the difference in the schools they attend, Holiday trips, the type of house chores they do etc.
Before taking up this responsibility, we hope that the cost was counted so that they don't start something they can't finish. If they have counted the cost, then the path of wisdom has to be followed.
It also depends on what level of “responsibility” was taken up. We can look at two types: “Providing for and taking care of” the other two children is like giving a scholarship to someone who lives with you, versus “adopting” them which is becoming their parents and accepting them as your own children totally are two different things. Both cases are okay, a blessing and should be carried out with an overflow of the love of God.
If the former (live in scholarship) was the case then there should be no basis for comparison and the father should not stop doing what he has been doing for his children as their father, just because he has taken up the responsibility of these two children. To be frank with you, it's a sensitive issue especially whether his own children are still very young or if they are getting close to teen years because children are sensitive to issues of attention at every age. The parents don't want to lose their biological children because they took up the responsibility of taking care of other children.
In this situation then issues of holiday trips, difference in school e.t.c may not arise. You can provide for two other children and send them to good schools and yet have no guilt or condemnation in sending your biological children to the best schools in the world. If the two other children came in as domestic helps or relations before the family decided to take up the responsibility for providing for them, there is nothing wrong in their continuing house chores extensively. The biological children should also be involved in house chores because it is their father's house and they should not be raised to rely on “slaves” to do everything for them - but again there should be no comparisons. In attempting to rehabilitate the other two children, the couple should be careful not to cause rejection in their biological children.
On the other hand, if the other two children were adopted as full members of the family, What they need to do is to communicate to their children informing them that they are getting two more siblings and assure them that they will not stop taking care of them. They should let them know that nothing has changed. They should see to it that their own children have met these children and a bond of love is developing between them. They become a couple with four children not just a couple with two children who are providing for another two. If they can make their children see the other children as new members of the family, it would be great. Adoption is a blessing from God but it is also a very very grave responsibility especially when children already exist in a family and are old enough to be aware.
A decision to cater for two more children is not one that should be taken lightly, more so a decision to adopt children. None should be taken emotionally - especially that of adoption. If the couple are in a good Bible believing church, the counsel with a trusted Pastor is also advisable.
Love, communication, understanding, adjustment and patience are the things required from all parts for this to work well.
How much is too much… in lovemaking?
Ladi, the question is too vague and any answer we attempt to give will be out of context. We advise face to face Pastoral counsel or ask it during a live session of The Boaz Brigade where you can be asked follow up questions for clarification.
i work with a company where i can take loans from company coperative, i bought my car through that means and two pieces of lands, i pay through my salary being slashed, now its like i am depending on that avenue so much, my wife supports me greatly but now i begin to see i am spending less on the things of God and myself. I have now decided to make up payments to things of God with my allowances but is it wrong taking loans to finance investments.
Oriaku, We cannot expressly say that taking loans is wrong to finance
investments or that taking loans is a sin either. However, the Bible
does say that the borrower is a servant to the lender – and that is the
situation you seem to slowly have found yourself in. What is worse is
when it starts affecting your commitments to God – tithes, offerings,
gifts of love…..for then you are mortgaging your future and inviting
poverty into your habitation. Where taking loans is concerned certain
rules of thumb apply:
multiple borrowing cycle – every loan offer may not be a blessing,
common in the Western world, if you have to borrow, better to borrow
for tangible assets
than long term loans.
Finally, God’s best for you is to grow your
finances through His Principles to the point where you don’t need to
borrow to acquire anything – and it is possible – through radical steps
of FAITH in HIS PRINCIPLES.
We recommend the message series – Breaking
The Backbone Of Debt and also Another Economic System. The online store
is still under construction so you can call +234-84-750234 and place
the order via the Audio Media Office in Greenville.
1.
Should a newly married wife still keep her old/past album or picture collections which she snapped with male colleagues while in school or elsewhere in the past?
2.
What do you counsel a newly married wife on taking calls from male friends she knew in the past,especially in the presence of the husband? Is it okay for her to even think of making free night calls at all?
Dear Great,
We would like to say that marriage is a coming together of two separate individuals. This means that the two lives merge into one without wiping out the personality of the other in any way. By this we mean that there should be nothing wrong if a spouse keeps his/her old album (and for the right reasons too) but should the other spouse have issues with it, then it should be handled in love and an agreement reached on what should be done with the old album. A lot also depends on the type of pictures in the albums. Again like most marital issues they are best handled on a case by case basis in the context of the issue with full disclosure available.
Concerning your second question, there is no reason why a wife should have male friends that are unknown to her husband. Notice the word used is “friends” as a wife may have business “acquaintances” that may not necessarily be known to her husband. And for the issue of making free night calls as an individual, that is not acceptable behaviour, especially to male persons, whether known or unknown to her husband.
I have a daughter who acts like 3 boys in one (very physical and active I mean)
At age one plus, I started with talking, loving and praying but later observed that she only takes heed when I introduce the rod. I have started relying on the rod more often believing that this particular child needs to be corrected this way. This started at age two and I am uncomfortable.
At what age should the rod be introduced,should I go on this way or is there something I have not tried apart from, loving, talking, praying, blessing, decreeing and occassional spanking?
Thanks!
Hi Bode,
The truth is that our children are a blessing and a reward from the Lord and it is expected of us to love and bring them up in the fear and nurture of the Lord. The Bible instructs us to bring them up in the way they should go. This means that there is a way that they should go which is the way of the Lord or the way of the Word of God; and they are not to be brought up in the way that we think they ought to go except if our thinking is in line with the Word of God.
As parents, we also need to understand that one attribute of children is that they learn by impression and this foundational formative years of theirs can take the form of whatever example is set before them whether positive or negative. Also being children they tend to express themselves in activities which we adults may consider childish but we should give them room to be themselves though with proper supervision. In other words, we should not expect them to act as grown-ups. Another thing we as parents should bear in mind is the truth that no two children are the same. They have peculiar uniqueness and should be handled with that uniqueness in mind.
The Bible says “spare the rod and spoil the child” and another scripture says “foolishness dwells in the heart of a child but the rod of correction will drive it out.” But the Bible also says “Wisdom is the principal thing” and “it is profitable to direct.” There is no particular age specified in the Word of God, where the rod should be employed as a means of discipline and the frequency of use is not specified either. But there are ways you can use the rod and it becomes abusive and leaves a wrong, lasting and negative impression on the child. For example if you use it in anger, if you use it in fear of raising a “spoilt child”, if you use it at every childish misdemeanour, if you use it and inflict too many strokes (a stroke per year of child is a good rule of thumb) - it becomes abuse. Moreover, we have found out, there are ways you can correct a child or effect discipline in love without the use of the rod - you can use a reward system for good behaviour, you can use “time-outs” (no TV, no games, face the wall etc); and let me say that nowhere are we told to depend on the rod! You can receive such wisdom from the Word of God which has been made wisdom to us and from the Spirit of God who guides us into all truth. So, we encourage you to depend on the Lord who gave you the blessing of your precious daughter for the wisdom to employ in disciplining her when necessary. Thanks for raising such an issue that will be a blessing to other parents.
A couple decided to buy a property (Land, House, Car, etc.) The man uses a high percentage of his income to take care of basic and domestic things to enable them have enough savings for the property they intend to acquire. 85% came in from the lady, while 15% came in as a loan. The lady now proposes that the property should be written in her name, but she was turned down, while the man insists that it should be written in the family name.
On whose name should the property be written and why?
We think the husband should be concerned about the obvious lack of trust and insecurity exhibited by his wife. He should try to solve that problem and be less concerned about whether the property is in her name or not.
Secondly a man taking care of basic and domestic things does so as HIS DUTY not as a favour to the family. A wife should be free to spend her money for the family (for it is her family and she is not a stranger) but like we’ve said earlier if she is doing so with reservations and preconditions then there are deeper problems.
Thirdly, in a secure marriage in order to avoid problems from in-laws (especially from the man’s side), some husbands choose to put property in the wife’s name whether they paid for it or not. Note again that this occurs in a very secure marriage.
This couple may be advised to seek Pastoral counsel immediately and be honest and open about their issues – which obviously go far beyond property title deeds.
Miss Independent Vs Miss Submissive: Can “Ladies” really be both?
Definitely ladies can be both “independent” and “submissive” as God abhors extremes of any sort. On either side of a proper road are ditches. A lady who thinks “submission” means she loses her “identity” completely is in one ditch, on the other hand, a lady who thinks “independence (or identity)” means she cannot “submit” to her husband, spiritual authority or the Word is in another ditch. As our minds are renewed with the Word, ladies will learn how to drive in the middle of the road and husbands will learn how to let them do so.
Yes
I like the Boaz Brigade
it’s like my favorite
How was the name Boaz Brigade derived? It sounds like fun.