Sistaz and Suitors is dedicated to questions on relationships, courtship and dating. We will be happy to answer all your questions or hear your comments.
Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
Please submit a question or comment below. Thank you!
I was reading through this blog and found out that you have really touched so many lives and hope you will touch mine too by answering my question. I am a girl of 28 years, not in a relationship though I was before but quit because the guy I was dating does not even call to know how am faring, he keeps complaining he does not have money. He can stay 4 days, he will not even call instead I will call, that’s not the issue anyway. I need you to tell me things that can make men not approach a lady cause I don’t know if it’s spiritual. I must tell you the truth, nobody has asked my hand in marriage before, even for a man to ask me out it’s very rare and I keep wondering what the problem is, if I need a serious deliverance. Even my mum is worried that at my age, no suitor has come. Please I need your advice o.
Thank you very much Amaka for your sincere question and desire to know the truth. Our desire is to by the grace of God continue to touch and impact the lives of people through the teaching of the undiluted Word of truth.
We want to start by letting you know that not being in a relationship at 28 years is not a crisis. Marriage is a very important decision you make in life and your utmost desire should be to settle down with the best that God has prepared for you.
Let us pause here a little and ask you the big question? Amaka, are you born again? This question and your response to it will determine how much you will be able to comprehend our answer to your question. If you are not born again then you need to make the decision now. Making Jesus Christ your Lord and Saviour is the best decision you will ever make and Jesus has made it very easy for you to be saved. The Bible says:
Romans 10:9-10, 13
All you need to do is to say the following simple prayer out loud meaning every word from your heart:
Congratulations! You have just taken the best decision in your life! Join a Bible believing and Bible teaching local church and grow your relationship with God.
Why is salvation necessary before you make this very important decision of a life partner? The best mate you can have is the mate that knows God, and has the Agape love of God in his heart. This is the foundational rock of every Christian marriage.
You also raised a concern about the fact that nobody has asked your hand in marriage.
You may want to look inward a little and take a check on your attitude and manner of life. We are not drawing any conclusions, but a bad attitude is a put off to people and a bad attitude is not a fruit of the spirit, rather it spills an unpleasant odour around a person.
We don't believe this is a spiritual attack, rather we will encourage you to get or remain committed to the things of God, and God will surely bring the right person your way. This is not a matter of needing deliverance or not, Jesus has set you free though his death and resurrection. You only need to receive by faith His finished work on the cross. You need to build more on your relationship with God and continue to meditate on His Word. This is the only “deliverance” you need.
God bless you panel for your godly counsel. I am a 27yr old lady. I have passed through lots of heartbreaks in past relationships. Towards the end of last year, I discovered that the guy I was dating was cheating on me and I left him. I was very distraught, confused and discouraged. I have always placed God as the foundation of every relationship and do not believe in sex before marriage. Though I have not slept with anyone, I occasionally default and ask God's forgiveness for making out. Towards the end of last year, I attended a wedding where the Groom's friend saw me and requested for my number from the groom, (I remember I prayed for God to let me find favour and his will be done before going to the venue). I saw him that day before we made no contact. He made contact with me after the wedding and we started talking after much avoidance. I told him point blank I wasn't interested in what he was looking for because of my recent heartbreak and just wanted and needed a friend. We became friends and I told him so much about my past relationships. By December I went on a visit to the UK, he told me he was also coming to the UK in Jan 2015 for his masters. During my stay over there (we were already emotionally attached but I was still praying for God's will to be done in it) he asked me out on 25th Dec. I replied after I came back to Nigeria on the 12th Jan. He told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I met his parents and family eventually and he did with mine when he went visiting to the Uk. The issue is he wasn't granted the student visa in Jan. He already left his job as a medical doctor (finished service this year Jan). He tried going for an exam, that didn't work too. Though this is an opportunity to get to know each other more, but things moved so fast on meeting both families that we have started talking about getting married. I did have peace when I prayed about him and my family and his took us in like they have been expecting us individually. Am concerned about things not working out since we came together. Secondly he does not believe in paying tithe, but he believes in the gift of speaking in tongues. We do pray together despite distances ( I work in Abuja, he is in Lagos). I always feel we have been together for years when it is just months. Am afraid of going out of God's will, he is everything I want in a man in godly terms but this issue of going for masters etc. and not currently working has steeped his finances and our plans in uncertainty especially now that both families intend to meet for a formal introduction in August 2015. Thirdly he told me he doesn't believe in propsals with ring etc., that he had already proposed to me on Christmas day that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I felt it wasn't proper especially since we are already planning our wedding. I am confused right now. The only thing that keeps me sane is this, when I was so overwhelmed late last year, I cried out to God to save me from marital issues. I told him he has to settle me before the year runs out, this is the only way I will know you still interested in me or I will forever give up, because though a tree be cut down it shall surely sprout again and lo and behold God had mercy on me and he asked me out that December. And this story was the same for him too, all the girls kept rejecting him throughout last year. I was the very last one he met and I knew that if my previous relationship hadn't been over, I will not have considered him. Please prayerfully and with the help of the Holy Spirit counsel me. I didn't go to church today because I was depressed. God bless you as you help another soul. I stumbled on this blog. I believe God brought me here after trying to ask series of questions online.
Mary,
Thank you for your openness. It is obvious you want to get help. We want to start by saying that God leading you to our blog is one way of reminding you that He is very interested in everything concerning you. You gave quite some explanation in your mail but there are still some details that we don't know, so we will advise you based on the information we could glean from your mail.
We will capture the main issues we gleaned from your mail which we will address below as follows:
We will attempt to respond to these issues separately though some of them will be treated together. We will start by discussing your personal relationship with God. You must have noticed that our blog is faith based and not based on psychology and human philosophy.
Mary, are you born again? Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal Saviour by believing in your heart that He died on the cross to save you from sin and destruction, and by confessing with your mouth that He is Lord over your life? Please read Romans 10:8-10. If you have not done that, you can simply pause here, read the Scripture above and quietly pray a simple prayer accepting Him as your Lord and personal Saviour. If you just prayed that prayer, then you are now born again and you are a new creation, old things are passed away (2 Corinthians 5:17). If you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour before now, and you haven't done so now the remaining part of this response will make no meaning to you. But if you have, then you can continue.
As a child of God, you cannot be in a relationship with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). So the question you must answer truthfully is whether the young man in question is born again. If you were already born again before now, we assume that he is also born again. If he is not born again, then you should immediately call off what you have going with him. The basic Scriptural standard for a man and woman who want to get married is that both of them be born again. It is also importantthat both of you are filled with the Holy Spirit with the initial evidence of speaking in other tongues. That way, you are connected to the flow of the Spirit of God and can be led by Him. If both or either of you are not yet filled with the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues, all you need to do is to simply ask God for this free gift and He will give it to you and you'll be filled and speak in other tongues as the Spirit enables you (Luke 11:11-13; Acts 2:1-4).
Based on the importance of being born again to our discussion, we don't want to take anything for granted. Our counsel is based on the Word of God. Now that this foundation is well established, we will proceed to handle the other issues.
Let's start with the last point which was your prayer to God last year to “settle you before the year runs out and you believed that was the only way you will know God is still interested in you or you will forever give up.” You need to understand that the only way to get the best from God is by faith (Hebrews 11:6). God does not respond to emotions, threats or coercion. God already has principles in His Word that govern the way He does things. If you stick with His principles, you will reap the benefits He promised in His Word. Secondly, the fact that the young man showed up shortly after that prayer does not mean it is God's answer to your prayers because in the first place you violated the principle of faith. We are also not in any way suggesting that he is not the right man for you, all we are saying is that you are using the “fleece” principle which Gideon, an Old Covenant saint, worked with (Judges 6:36-40).New Covenant believers are led by the Spirit of God through our born again spirit. We will say more on this later.
Things moved so fast in your relationship and presently both families intend to meet in August for a formal introduction. We are of the opinion that both of you (being the primary individuals involved in this relationship) should slow things down immediately. This brings in the fact that he is presently not working. The Bible said categorically that:
1 Timothy 5:8
This Scripture above is one major reason why you need to hold on with the marriage plans until he gets a job or starts a business that will cater for his needs and the needs of the young family which he intends to start soon. We don't necessarily insist that you should end a relationship because the man doesn't temporarily have a means of livelihood, but when a young woman is in a courting relationship with a man that has habitually refused to work and make a living, but depends on relatives, friends, and possibly the young woman, that is enough reason to reconsider the relationship. God's Word says that he that believes does not make haste (Isaiah 28:16). That implies that if you believe that what you have is a gift from God, then there is no need to rush through things, rather you will take your time and get the foundation right.
What is the need formalizing your relationship when you are not ready to get married now? We usually encourage intending couples to only formalize their relationship within a rather short time to avoid unnecessary heart breaks or the pressure to follow through with a lifeless relationship that is already dead before it starts.
It appears that going for a master's program in the UK or abroad is a very important goal to the young man, which we believe he should obviously pursue because it will give him fulfillment in the future and it is a good thing to do. Nevertheless we think formalizing your relationship by having a marriage introduction or traditional marriage may not be the best for you. It may be better for him to go ahead and travel for his master's and graduate, when he comes back, if both of you are still single and feel the same way you are feeling now, then all the marriage ceremonies can be done at once. Equally important is the fact that a court marriage is a valid marriage and can only be dissolved by a divorce, therefore the thought of having a court marriage for ease of his processing his travel documents is something you have to give careful thought to because once you have done the court wedding, you are married.
Your concerns about him going for the master's program seem to be connected to your concerns of the relationship not working out. Mary you need to renew your mind with the Word of God and overcome the fears and hurts you experienced in your past failed relationships. This is important so that you don't get too attached to a man in a relationship and so that you are not desperate to get it to work against all odds. Devote reasonable time each day to study the Word of God especially the epistles (From the book of Romans to Jude), to get a clear picture of who you are in Christ as a new creation. You are blessed and you are a blessing to whoever eventually marries you. You must deal with the spirit of fear by feeding yourself with faith from the Word of God. You cannot afford to rush through this very important aspect of your life because you don't want to lose a man. Because you are a good thing, he should equally do everything right so that he doesn't lose you.
You also said something about being afraid of going out of God's will. Relax Mary. If you are born again, God is committed to guiding you. The Bible says that: “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God” (Romans 8:14).
Praying in tongues is one way children of God sharpen their sensitivity to the voice of God and their ability to know and follow the leading of God's Spirit. Listen to your spirit concerning this matter and many other matters in your life and don't yield to pressure to move faster than you should especially when you are not absolutely sure about something.
The fact that he does not believe in paying tithes should be a cause for concern for you. You shouldn't be interested in building a life together with a man who though a Christian, yet vehemently and stubbornly refuses to obey the truth in God's Word on the subject of tithing after being taught. If he hasn't been taught or knows the truth, we recommend that if you worship in a local church where the Word of God is properly taught in its totality, then we believe you should have teaching materials from your church on the subject of tithing. In a situation where such materials are not available, you can visit our ministry's media store via our website http://www.thecarpenterschurch.org and order such materials either via downloadable mp3s or CDs. After he listens to the messages, if he still takes the same stand, then you should reconsider this relationship. Both of you won't be in agreement and two can't walk together except they are agreed (Amos 3:3). Paying our tithe is an expression of our acknowledgment of God's lordship over our finances, and it is borne out of love for Him. It is an act of faith that positions us for the blessing in our finances. It is a declaration that God is the owner and we are stewards.
Finally, on his belief that he doesn't necessarily need to propose to you with an engagement ring, we will say that different people have different opinions and beliefs about things like engagement rings, but the important issue here is knowing why he believes what he believes and how he communicates it. If he feels it's an unnecessary ceremony that doesn't change anything, that may be true to him, but if it is important to you the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with as his wife, then he can get you a ring just because you like that formality. If he is saying that because of his present financial status, you should hold on, that means he intends to buy one in the future, and even if it is not the very expensive one, you can understand and give it some time. We are also aware that a lot of people buy their engagement and wedding rings together when they are planning their wedding. If he just says he doesn't believe in giving out engagement rings and that settles it, you should accept him for who he is and not compel him to be like some other people, then you might want to ask yourself if you really want to accept that person he is for the rest of your life.
We believe that by patiently following the leading of the Holy Spirit and reading this response carefully, you will make the right decision. Remain focused on your covenant benefits in Christ and know that you can live a fulfilled life as a single woman while you trust God to perfect all that concerns you (Psalm 138:8).
Pls I have a fiancee in The Carpenter's Church and I have done the Traditional introduction and needed to know the steps required for intending couples wedding in The Carpenter's Church. Pls I need a guide on this.
Dear Bro Andrew, if your fiancée is truly a member of The Carpenter's Church and not a visitor, she ought to know the guidelines guiding relationships in our local church which is documented and accessible to every member. Your question implies that you have not held any premarital appointment with any pastor in The Carpenter's Church. We recommend that she book an appointment for relationship clerking with the front desk officer at the church office complex as soon as possible. Subsequently, she will be assigned to a pastor who will advise accordingly and communicate the details needed.
Thank you very much Panel for your apt response always. I'm always blessed whenever I read this blog. I only wish more questions will be asked so that we can learn from them. Please can you help me with passages in the bible that I can use when praying for a spouse. Thank you.
I was surfing the net for answers and came across this site. I'm not a member of TCC but I see the Godly wisdom being used to answer questions so I decided to ask mine because I believe God will use you to help me out. I am a 19 year old 3rd year student schooling in Ghana. I met the guy I love when I was 17, on my matriculation day and we grew to become good friends. He later told me that He believes I'm the one he should marry. He had his convictions from God. He's Ghanaian and he's 21. He was 19 when we met. He romantically wooed me and today we both love each other dearly. We didn't even have to talk about sex 'cos we both shared the same beliefs that premarital sex is wrong. But along the line, we kissed and made out sometimes. But never actually had sex. We prayed every time it happened and asked God for forgiveness and grace. We've grown past that so far. We are now more disciplined and bent on pleasing God and not giving the devil any room. Before all of this, my parents are huge tribalists. They only want me to marry from my IBO tribe. Even in the IBO tribe, there are certain parts that they won't also let me marry from. But I've prayed about this guy and I see God's hand in what we have. He really loves me and I know I will be happy to spend the rest of my life with him. Now my mum's friend and our church member who has a 32 year old doctor son in the UK wants me to marry her son. She said she prayed and God told her that I was his wife. The man in question is also interested. My mum also told me about a dream she had when I was younger where she saw me getting married to that her friend's son. They also took me to their trusted minister and prophetess who guides them in spiritual matters and she also said that the UK guy is my destiny. That I am the firstborn and strength of my parents. And that my destiny is not to marry an outsider. Then she prayed for me and told me that God will reveal it to me the way He revealed to her. I and the guy I love have met our pastor in school. He knows about us and he is on our side. Everyone in his family knows and loves me. But my parents have refused to budge. I'm now in a state of confusion 'cos they are making me feel like marrying the man I love is rebellion against God. They are also making me doubt my convictions. What do I do? I need counsel and prayers urgently please.
Dear Nma,
Thank you for visiting our blog. It is obvious you have gone through some of our posts and found them worthwhile. Thanks for your kind comments.
Concerning your question on what to do in your situation, we would love to share some practical truths based on the Word of God but the decision on what to do will be absolutely yours.
Let us begin by looking at this Scripture:
Luke 14:27–32
The institution of marriage is a serious business. You don't just wake up and decide to marry. There are lots of things involved, and therefore you should “count the cost”: you should be of marriageable age or mature. You should at least have left the teenage years. A job is a prerequisite for the man. This is because before God gave Eve to Adam, He first gave Adam a job (Genesis 2:15).
From your age it is obvious you are still a teenager. We think you should be concerned at this point in your life with your academic work.You are not ready for marriage now and all this marriage stuff from your 21 year old boyfriend and your parents are distracting. Your parents should know better and should allow you focus on your studies and not bother you with some marriage stuff. Marriage is very practical just like building. You are either ready or you are not. When you are ready,God will lead you and you will know what qualities to look out for in a husband.
There is a danger in what you are currently involved in notwithstanding that your pastor is “on your side,” as you said. What you are doing is simply boyfriend and girlfriend and itmay very likely lead to one or more of premarital sex, pregnancy,or an STD. The Bible advices to: “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22). The word “lust” used in the Scripture means a longing (especially for what is forbidden):- concupiscence, desire after something or someone. The Bible's admonition is to flee, run away, shun, vanish, or escape. That is what we consider as the solution to your dilemma. When the time comes you will know exactly what you want and you will be able to speak for yourself. You will spend the rest of your life with whomever you choose as God leads you. This is why you have to be sure you know what you are doing.
Rather than worry about who to marry now follow the counsel in 2 Timothy 2:22 which is to “pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” Then at the right time you will meet him and when you do you will know that he is the one and a beautiful relationship will ensue. You should break off this relationship and focus now on the things that matter. Ask him to stay away for now and your parents too should allow you to focus on your relationship with God and your studies.
I have been reading through your response to questions and a statement caught my attention. It was mentioned that we are not destined to marry one particular person. Could you please explain this further because I’ve always been of the opinion that we have all been designated a life partner. Thank you
Dear Ihuoma,
There are many Christians who believe that God has a spouse for each person. No one is going to burn in hell for believing that God has a perfect spouse for them. But it may keep them single all their life. If a young lady keeps turning down potential husbands because she believes a particular man is the only person that can be her husband or because she believes God has revealed a particular type of person to her. Meanwhile this individual or type of person has not even noticed her or “heard from God” like her, years will go by and she may not be so young anymore, while still waiting for God to “bring that someone into her life.” Of course, there is nothing wrong with remaining single if that is what one wants. However, if one is interested in being married, we would like to dispel the myth that God has a spouse prepared for each person.
Let us take a look at Biblical precedent:
Adam was the only person who ever just woke up and saw the perfect woman next to him. God has not done that for anyone else. The Bible uses language showing that people “took a wife.” There is no record in the Bible, New or Old Testament, of anyone sitting down expecting God to send that perfect person into their life. The precedent that the Bible sets is that of men going out and finding their wives.
There are other reasons why we don't believe God has a spouse prepared for each of us. For one, it makes no logical sense. Think about it. Suppose God predestined that person A will marry person B, and suppose person A marries someone else, then what is person B supposed to do? Marry outside of “God's will”?
Secondly, suppose things did in fact work out for persons A and B, and they got married, then person B dies. Is person A allowed to remarry? According to the Bible, yes. But according to the view that God has a spouse prepared for each one, no. Who is person A going to remarry? God's perfect spouse for her already died. Does God have two spouses prepared for her?
Thirdly, why didn't Paul get married? He said that he could have if he wanted to, but chose not to (1 Corinthians 9:5). Now it's either God had a wife prepared for Paul, and Paul was not co–operating by choosing to remain single. Or it was God's will for Paul to remain single, in which case Paul had no right, writing under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, to say that he could have taken a wife if he wanted to. Which is it? But there is a third option. God had no wife prepared for Paul, but instead gave Paul the liberty and the wisdom to choose whether or not he wanted to marry. Paul decided that, given his ministry — traveling all the time and the dangers his calling exposed him to — it was better to remain single.
Fourthly, Paul seems to teach that whether someone marries is a matter of circumstance rather than design. In 1 Corinthians 7, he discourages young people from marrying because of the “present distress.” In 1 Timothy 5, on the other hand, he encouraged the young widows to remarry because of individual circumstances. Never in his discussion, was there any hint that God may have a foreordained plan concerning marriage and we need to get in tune with it.
Beloved Ihuoma, God has given us the choice. God has left it entirely up to us to choose our spouse. He gives us wisdom and liberty to make that choice. He has only set one primary condition for us — that believers marry fellow believers (2 Corinthians 6:14; 1 Corinthians 7:39). Now is God totally detached from our choices? No. God is very much involved in our day to day lives, especially important decisions like who we marry. But we need to properly understand God's role and our role. What exactly does it mean to trust God? Does it mean to sit down and hope that a spouse will fall into our laps? Marital faith is not trusting God to just give you a spouse — that one day a stranger will knock on your door with roses and a ring. That's not faith. Faith is trusting God that as you go looking for a spouse, meeting new people etc., He will guide you and help you make good decisions so you can find a good spouse. It also means that you will be discerning to trust Him with all your heart and not lean on your understanding, such that even if you have made up your mind about a person or you like them and everything seems to be in place, yet you don't have peace in your heart about the decision, you are able to realize that God knows more than you, and walk away from it. This is faith and what it means to be led by God. God honours this act of faith and will cause other people to come — but the choice still remains yours.
The Biblical model:
Whenever you can, read Genesis 24. It narrates the story of Isaac and Rebekah. There, you will find a model of how to find a mate.
Please, I need some advice on the correct actions/steps to take inorder to respond correctly to a situation I’m currently facing. During my final year at uni, I started/got involved in a relationship(I use the word loosely because it wasn’t defined at any stage). This didn’t bother me at first because there was no emotional attachment(or so I thought!). In summary, he moved back home and after graduation, I moved back too. All this time we kept in contact. However, some months ago, he informed me that he was in a relationship and I did not know what do to with that information. I acted supportive and congratulated him but really I was disappointed. I was confused, angry, hurt and sad for a while and kept asking wh y God would let this happen because I realised there was emotional attachment…a lot of it!. Then God brought to my mind the parable of the wise and foolish builder and I understood that He disapproved of the foundation of this “relationship”.This brought peace back into my life and I am determined to do tjings the right and Christian way from now. However, it did not take away my feelings for this person which I know is one sided. I’ve tried losing contacts with him but still doesn’t work. What do I do? I’ve prayed about it but it still hurts.
Dear Gift,
Thanks for being open about how you feel and for telling yourself the truth that the relationship in question didn't have the right foundation. We will want to establish upfront that both of you probably led each other on in an undefined relationship that drifted into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It is important as a Christian single to always have a focus for your friendships especially with people of the opposite sex. You will not completely blame the young man because for all you care, like you pointed out, he may not be emotionally involved in the relationship like you were.
The emotions you felt when he told you that he was in a relationship were normal, but you shouldn't also wallow in it because your feelings are mostly responsive to your flesh. The relationship had a wrong foundation like you pointed out, so right now your focus should be to get yourself together and move on. You have congratulated him and “rejoiced” with him over his new relationship, but you are not obligated to be his wedding planner. One of the best ways of dealing with emotional outbursts is to starve the object of the emotion. If you continue talking to him regularly and following up with his relationship and insisting on being in his inner circle, you will feed and intensify those feelings and if you are not careful, one day you may end up embarrassing yourself. Something you didn't mention in your mail is who makes the calls. If you are the one making the calls, you should stop doing that; and if he is the one making the calls, you should make yourself unavailable. You may be bothered that he will notice your withdrawal which is okay. Get yourself busy and make yourself unavailable. He will get the message and give you some space.
Romans 8:14 says, “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.” As a believer, you are to be led by the Spirit of God, not your emotions. Part of the pain you feel may be fueled by the feeling of rejection and wondering why you were not good enough for him. Gift, we encourage you to focus on God's Word and remind yourself of what God thinks about you. Ephesians 1:6 says that you are accepted in the beloved. If you are born again, you are a son of God (John 1:12). God calls you son that is the best identity any human can ever have.
We encourage you to keep away from the object of your emotional hurt, focus on the Word of God, especially the Epistles that emphasize who we are in Christ and make personal confessions concerning your identity and acceptance from the Word of God. Most importantly, take the lesson from this experience to guard your heart and never drift into an undefined relationship again. At the right time, God will bring the right man your way.
Thank you panel for responding to my question. I have read through and will do that over and over again because I want to fully understand everything you've said. While I was waiting for your response I was experiencing so much pain, hurt, anger, depression and would cry so many times in a day. The news of his engagement threw me off balance, I didn't know the next step to take but I decided to start praying for him, so I spent hours praying in other tongues for him, I also started praying for myself asking God to heal my heart (using Psalm 147vs3 as bible reference) and help me forgive him. I've also started to pray for my husband, I pray in tongues for him, I also list out all the things I desire in a husband, and I remind God in my prayers. I feel so much relief to be able to dump all my worries on God. It's reassuring to hear someone else say I made the right decision because sometimes I'm tempted to think I didn't. Over the past few days I've experienced God's love and strength it still baffles me. I know it can only get better for me as I continue to walk with Him.
I recently broke up with a guy I dated for almost 1 year, reason being that he is catholic and I'm not. When I asked him he said he is born again. But he doesn't believe in speaking in tongues and paying 10 percent of his income as tithe. He says he can give to the church and that should count as tithe. I tried explaining the message on tithing to him but he still wouldn't yield. At some point into the relationship he wanted me to tell my mum about him so that he could take the neccessary steps for marriage but I just couldn't bring myself to do that because I knew something wasn't right even though I loved him very very much. He kept pushing for me to tell my mum but I kept delaying. After a while he got tired and called off the relationship. Now he is engaged to his ex girlfriend. I feel so much pain and hurt because I really loved him and wanted it to work. I haven't been able to get over him. I don't know what to do. I recently turned 26 years and there's no sign of marriage, I'm not even in any serious relationship . Please how are we advised to pray for a spouse. I feel empty. Please help me. Thank you.
Dear Nnenna,
Your sincerity and openness is commendable. You said a lot in your mail though there are some details we may not have, so we will work with what you have given us. We have the following to deal with:
We only have your testimony to take concerning him being born again. However, even if he is born again, it takes more than two people being born again to have their marriage laid on the sure foundation for success. In addition, they must also be in agreement on essential issues, because two can't walk together except they are in agreement (Amos 3:3). Since he hasn't shown any change on those issues you raised with him, and since the issues are important to you (and they should be), we see no reason why you should compromise your stand. Your decision was right.
Now, to how you deal with hurt. Dealing with hurt as a result of a broken relationship is not automatic and unconscious. To heal, you have to consciously make a decision to let go and embrace the truth of God's Word concerning you and allow it heal your emotions. You need to remind yourself that your true identity is in Christ, and not in any man you marry or don't marry. You need to get into the Word and check out God's promises concerning you. The truth is that because of your refusal to accept anything less than God's best, the man walked away. That is actually good for you, so that you can be better positioned for a better man. When you realize from God's Word that you were just delivered from relationship that may have been fraught with severe disagreements, you will be glad that you are positioned for someone you will have agreement with. A lot of married people are frustrated in their marriages because there is no agreement between them and their spouses. Because God's Word and godly reason are not the common ground they bend their knees to, they have constant disagreements.
You are 26 years of age, and are still a very young woman and will meet many godly men in future. Don't be in a hurry to get married. Whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. Take your time to build healthy godly friendships with believers who share the same values and principles from God's Word like you do.Commit your time, energy and resources into God's work by serving in a Bible believing church. God is committed to bring a good brother your way, and by doing these things you will be properly placed for him to locate you.
With regards to praying and trusting God for a spouse, just tell God what you want and ask Him to bring the right man that is best suited for you into your life. Subsequently give Him thanks for preparing your man and preparing you for who He is preparing for you. In the fullness of time, you will meet and get married to the right man.
Good day Panel. I’d like to know whether marrying a divorced person – who is born again, tithe paying, speaks in tongues but got divorced because the spouse had an affair, refused to repent, moved out and had the bride price returned – would be considered adultery based on scriptural references. Thank you.
Dear Ruud,
Thanks for your sincere question and I believe our answer will be of great help to you.
We want to start by telling you that marrying a properly and / or legally divorced person is not a sin. However, we would like to further explain our stand on this matter. From your question, you said the spouse of this person had an affair, refused to repent and then moved out of the house which means she was not ready and willing to repent or reconcile with her spouse.
The Bible records that one of the grounds on which divorce is permitted is on the ground of infidelity (Matthew 19:9). That notwithstanding, as believers, the love of God has been shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5). This means the party who committed adultery can be forgiven by their spouse, and the spouse may have them back and the marriage may be restored — howbeit if certain conditions are met.
If the party who committed adultery is not remorseful and repentant about her wrongdoing and even goes ahead to move out from her matrimonial home, then the husband in question has been released to move on with his life. While the husband may not be blamed for initiating reconciliation with his wife, the fact that she hasn't come back is very telling. In addition, once infidelity is involved, the picture becomes bigger and certain considerations should be taken before the marriage can be restored. A major consideration is the state of health of the party who committed adultery. What if in the process of adultery a venereal disease like HIV/ADIS was contracted? Or what if the party who committed adultery doesn't want to submit to a medical screening test? Should the spouse in either case or a similar situation take them back? We believe the question is rhetorical, and answer is clear. So you see, these issues are not as “cut-and-dried” as some would like to make them to be.
You used the word “divorced” in your question. We believe that you understand that this may not be the appropriate word to use if the marriage has not been dissolved properly and/or legally. Even if the bride price has been traditionally returned, you would still need to verify if they were legally married (that is the marriage was contracted at the Registry or a place of worship authorized by Law). If they were, then they need to have a decree from the court showing that the marriage has been dissolved. If there was no court marriage, then the marriage has to be dissolved properly in accordance to the practices of the culture under which the bride price was given.
This isn't a perfect world and some marriages become so emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically destructive that divorce can be lifesaving. That is why it is dangerous to take a legalistic or religious posture in matters of this nature.
What is important is that the party who was offended should forgive the one who committed adultery, whether or not forgiveness was asked for. However, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that the people involved will get back as man and wife. Forgiveness is very necessary for the individual's peace and well-being, and in order to move ahead, especially if remarriage is a consideration. There's nothing as bad as going into a new relationship with the hurts of the former one. The new person doesn't deserve the ripple effect of unhealed hurts.